Crazy Apple News Site

The following is a translation¹ of a comment that was in my spam queue:

It compliments for idea of the site. Also we are lovers of the trekking. Why we don’t organize an encounter of gotten passionate for of the excursions together? Even not more than 6-8 in all? A salute.

I think it works out to a compliment. Or an invitation to a crazy fling in Italy² with, er, 6-8 trekkies. Either way, It’s at least kinda complimentary. And kinda creepy.

1. courtesy of the nearly-useless Translation Widget. Dashboard: occasionally slightly easier than using the Web. [↩]
2. the comment was originally in Italian. [↩]

So, Mr. Moltz finally admits that he’s left the pure world of Apple blogging in favor of fear mongering.  And frankly we here at CANS are shocked, shocked and offended that he would be running this shameful side project.  You can rest assured that CANS is our highest online priority, and that neither I nor any of the Ruby Ninja Androids would even think of running any other web sites…

Oh, those.  Right.  Um.  Well, CANS is always first, you know that, baby.  C[2]N means nothing to me¹ …Yes, I know I opened a web store with C[2]N shirts, but It’s never sold any!  C’mon, you know I love CANS most! Awww, now don’t be like that!…

1. Dear Coals [2] Newcastle readers: Thanks for dropping by! Have you considered not reading this article?  Remember, this is a humor blog!  Not serious! Okay, bye! [↩]

With the new year all upon us and the festive celebrations dying down, it’s time to bend our somwhat bleary minds to the task of second-guessing Apple’s every move before they make it. Fortunately for us, nothing we write has any grounding in reality anyway, so we’re home free.

We predict that January’s Macworld will bring no less than a new Mac mini, iPod shuffle¹, iPhone 128GB with 4G support, and the startling move of the entire Mac OSX to the “cloud”, coupled with government regulation mandating that we stop making up new names for the internet before every word in English, French, Finnish and Tamil also means “The Internet”.
“For Pete’s sake,” says the bill on page 23, Paragraph 8, section 7. “How many words do we need for a worldwide communication network?”

Concerns about Steve Jobs’ health will escalate to the point that Apple will create a cybernetic version of the mercurial CEO that will work every day in a glass office in downtown Cupertino. The deception will work perfectly until the robot accidentally crashes through the wall of the office and smashes to bits on the street below. This will in turn give rise to endless speculation about the length of Steve Jobs’ AppleCare coverage.

Phil Schiller will continue to rise in eminence in the company, ushering in a new age of Apple leadership, but also bringing back an old friend, by which I mean John Meyer. The iguana-faced singer will be elected to the board of directors after buying millions of shares in Apple on credit. He will then lose his seat when it turns out he can’t pay even the finance charges on the amount and his shares are repossesed. John will then be discraced and become the Richard Nixon of pop guitarists, while the new board member will be Al the Repo man. Al will resonate with the public and the company’s shares will skyrocket.

In more mundane news, John Gruber will continue to be irritable, Merlin Mann will write exactly four articles, and John Moltz will go in and out of retirement twice.

December will bring another round of changes to OSX, which, in response to changes in the computer ecosystem will be renamed “iPhone OS for Laptops.”

Quixotically, the following year will be renamed “20-OSX” at the urging of Nobel prize winner Al Gore and his collegue Al the Repo man.

Here’s to a very Mac new year!

1. with the all-important “Genius” feature. [↩]