Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

Continuing our iWork ’09 roundup, we take a look at the member of the family that always did so well in accounting classes: Numbers.

Q: So, I hear Apple’s makin’ a move on our territory.

A: Yeah? Well maybe they are. What’s it to ya?

Q: Listen, Cueball and PP ¹ have been runnin’ all da numbers games in this country for years, and they don’t want no new players stickin’ their noses in.²

A: Yeah? Well, some of us think ol’ Cueball ain’t got what it takes to keep a gig like this runnin’, and maybe it’s time for a few new faces around the place.

Q: Dat so, wiseguy? What’s your pansy little fruit-counting program got that we ain’t seen before?

Q’s moll: Yeah! What’s so great about havin’ all those floatin’ tables? I like my tables to stay put!

A: Hey! What’d you bring her for? You know readers think these things’re just a back-n-forth affair!

Q: Nevermind why I brought Trixie here. Trixie’s a smart gal, she knows what’s good for her, and she’s stayin’ with me, ain’t dat right, Trix?

Trixie: Yeah, sure I’m stickin’ with you. Everybody knows the bigger gang always wins, and our boys could squash ‘em flat!

Q: Sure, Trix, sure. Now button it and let me do my pursuadin’.

A: Save your breath, stooge. Your ol’ Macro games are finished, ya hear? People are tired of bein’ pushed around, told where they can and can’t put things, and they’re thinkin’ it’s time for a change. And we’re gonna give it to ‘em.

Q: People? Who cares what people want? People’ll do what Cueball tells ‘em and like it, or sumpin’ unfortunate could happen to their data, if you know what I mean.

A: Sure, I know what you mean. But we’ve given them an out, see? Anytime the boss-man comes pokin’ around askin’ to see the numbers, they just put ‘em in a little file labeled xls and the boss don’t know no different. And tryin’ to take their data? Please. They hit this button right here and that info’s out where everyone can see it, and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it.

Trixie: Wow, looks like he’s got an answer for everything.

Q: Quiet, Trix. Awright, smart guy, we’ll jus’ see how your little numbers game holds up out there. But you ain’t seen the last of me!

A: Betcha I have.

Q: How d’you figure?

A: Your dialogue is really hard to write. It’s way easier to just start going insane in these things.

Q: Bah! C’mon Trix, let’s scram. Dis guy’s givin’ me a headache.

A: Whaddya take for a headache?

Q: Sometimes I take-a da asprin, sometimes I take-a da calomel.

Groucho: Ah, I’d walk a mile for a calomel.

Chico: You mean da chocolate calomel. Dat’s good too, but you still no get it. [slams peephole door]

Groucho: [knocks again]

Chico: [Opens peephole door] Whassa madda for you, eh? I tol’ you, you canna come in here until you say swordfish! I tell you what I do, I give you one more chance.

Groucho: Hmmm…Swordfish, swordfish. I’ve got it! Is it swordfish?

Chico: Hey! You guessed da password!³

1. Pocket Protector [↩]
2. Come on, you knew I was gonna do the gangster thing. It’s good clean fun. [↩]
3. You know what they say: if you can’t think of a good way to end your blog post, steal something from the Marx Brothers. [↩]