Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we help you get more from less with Typinator, the text-expander that isn’t TextExpander.

Q: Im to lasy to typ wrds right, y know, dood?

A: I see.

Q: but ppl are alws givin me crap cuz I when I write I snd stoopid, n I want to snd smrt.

A: Eesh. You do have a problem! You could just learn to use the English language properly.

Q: Do I hv to?

A: *Sigh* No. There is another way. But it will take some work. Specifically, you’ll have to work to earn the cash to buy a program.

Q: Wht prgrm?

A: Seriously, this is getting out of hand. The program is called Typinator. It’s pretty cool. It allows you to program in text abbreviations that are then automatically expanded into the word you want. For example, you could program it to change “ppl” to “people”

Q: “ppl” isnt rt?

A: No. And seriously, go get a copy and use it or take the time to write properly or so help me…

Q: alright!… [three hours of adding codes later] Hey, this is pretty cool! I write like a human being now!

A: Ahhh, much better! Now you are ready for the more advanced uses of Typinator!

Q: There are advanced uses?

A: Yes, my young apprentice! For example, Typinator can keep you from losing your job.

Q: How?

A: Let’s say you want to call your boss an “arrogant, self-absorbed baby in a cheap suit”…

Q: It’s like you read my mind!

A: … But that would get you fired. So you tell Typinator to replace “arrogant” with “intelligent”, “self-absorbed” with “decisive” and “baby in a cheap suit” with “leader who molds his team into a streamlined selling machine”. That way you can type what you mean, but the boss will see what he wants, and you’ll get that big promotion!

Q: It’s like magic!

A: Just make sure you spell all the words correctly, or you’ll get something like “intelligent, decisive babby in a cheap suit”.

Q: What if babby cant frigth back?

A: … You didn’t.

Q: What?

A: Nevermind. Ugh. Anyway. Have fun sounding like a human being!

Q: Kthxbai!

A: What was that?

Q: Hold on… [adds new expansion] Okay, thank you very much, au reviour!

A: Much better.

Perhaps it was the work of an Albert Einstein-style patent clerk, but Apple got more than they bargained for when their latest patent was approved.

“When we filed the patent for multi-touch interfaces, it was necessary to demonstrate the method used to register multiple touches on the device,” says Scott Forstall, SVP of iPhone Software at Apple. “So we had to include an image of a human finger. We didn’t realize the, ah, inherent opportunities in doing so.”

“Patent is hereby granted to Apple, Inc. on all items appearing in all images in the patent filing,” is the wording used by the United States Patent Office.  The problem is image 4: a picture of a standard human finger.

“This definitely grants Apple patent rights on human fingers,” says John Gruber, because that’s the kind of Gruber he is.  “I for one stand ready to pay full license fees, yearly if needed, to keep using my fingers to their fullest extent.”

Fortunately that may not be needed. “While we are not sure that you can patent a naturally occurring item like a finger¹ we would like to assure the public that we will not be seeking universal licensing on human fingers,” says Tim Cook, Acting CEO of Apple.  “However, that doesn’t mean we won’t be seeking license fees from, well, we’ll call them special interest groups.  For example, We will definitely be ‘vigorously defending’ this patent from Microsoft. Microsoft execs all owe us $3.4 million for use of their digits.”

Not surprisingly, Palm has filed a patent on the rest of your hand.

1. you can’t. In my mind software patents are still legally questionable.  But that’s another story.  For another class. That I finished before I got my B.S. [↩]

Many companies have filed earnings reports this week, and Apple is having a hard time staying humble about their successes this past quarter.

“Everyone is feeling the bite this year,” says Tim Cook, acting CEO of Apple. “Even the portable media market has been extremely hard hit. Zune sales are down more than 50%, you know. And iPod sales were hurting too. Yep, iPods were only up 3%, so we totally know what Microsoft is feeling right now.”

Tim Cook, Peter Oppenheimer and others are trying to keep things professional, but some in the organization aren’t holding up so well.

“I guess Johnson [Apple VP of retail operations] called a VP over at Microsoft and offered to trade him Microsoft shares for Apple shares, one for one. Then he was all ‘oh, wait, our stock is worth, like, five times as much as yours.’ ” Cook told us. “So then he offered to trade him used iTunes gift cards for Microsoft stock, one for one. We told him that was in bad taste. Funny, but in bad taste.”

“It’s not easy,” said Phil Schiller. “I mean, I’m no Steve Jobs, but how many people do you think tuned in to my Philcast after the event? How many people downloaded it, put it on their iPods, and watched it a few times? And all I was doing was announcing some changes to iWork and iLife Now, how many people here even know that Steve Ballmer gave a keynote at CES? That’s right, nobody. Still, we try to act like we’re just one of the boys.”

“And then there’s the OS market,” says Jonathan Ive. “Have you seen Windows 7 yet? Let’s just say the ‘I’m a mac, I’m a PC commercials aren’t going anywhere when that comes out. Hey, I saw a joke written on the side of a toilet stall the other day: ‘How many Windows developers does it take to make Vista not suck? Give up? They can’t, they’re all too busy appearing in commercials with washed-up comedians!” We waited for several minutes while he regained his composure. “But seriously,” Ive continued. “Snow Leopard, even with its minor, tune-up changes, is going to rock harder than Windows 7 could even imagine.”

And so we left the Apple Campus¹, a sense of optimism in our hearts and tears of pride in our eyes. Whatever economic turmoil lies ahead, we know that Apple will remain strong and solvent, even if we can’t personally afford anything they produce.

1. without armed escort for once, which was kinda nice. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

Our iWork Trifecta ends this week with Pages: the word processor with style.

Q: Stand aside, ridiculous web-writer-bloggish person! For I am a true author!

A: Wow. What have you written?

Q: My oeuvre includes such seminal works as The Scent of Weeping, Whither, Herringspell? and Drink Softly, Mockingbird.

A: Those sound pretty, er, pretentious.

Q: Indeed. Reviewers have said that my works have “channeled the spirit of the Parisian Café Waiter” and “make extensive use of five-dollar-or-higher words at every opportunity”.

A: So, do you use Pages at any point in your writing?

Q: STOP! You can’t just leap to the page layout portion of the experience without truly understanding the full process! To understand the soul of writing you have to start at the seed, the very nascent glimmerings of an idea!

A: You’re supposed to be asking questions…

Q: The story process begins with me sitting in a room, my long blond hair streaming as the wind casually caresses my cheek…

A: Wait! Are you, or do you look surprisingly similar to, this guy?

Q: That is neither here nor there. As the wind whispers sweet nothings in my alabaster ear, I reach first for my cognac, then for my moleskine notebook, where the velvety creamy pages invite the touch of my pen, each stroke giving them meaning, enriching them as they realize their true raison d’être!

A: Let’s keep this clean, please. This is a family Internet!

Q: Gripped by the feverish passion of my muse…

A: What did I just tell you?

Q: I write draft after draft, forging my characters in the deep waters of tribulation, molding them as a carpenter would frame a house, building their very beings from the immaterial, yet consistently present hearts of beings long dead, of beings not yet born.  Their colors and personalities coruscate across the page, lines of eternal fire like lightening struck from the anvil of some primordial god!

A: Richard Lederer would be so proud.

Q: Inevitably, the muse leaves me, and with the morning sun I have naught but the ashes of the glories of the previous night, simple ciphers, sought from the cinders of my shining soul, and I am left to attempt to recreate the beauty I saw in a night vision!

A: Hangovers are rough on ya, huh?

Q: Like Coleridge–

A: You drink a lot of laudanum?

Q: –I am left to try to convey in sterile language the verdant worlds of my mind. And it is here that Apple’s Pages assists me.

A: Thank goodness.

Q: With my notebooks and loose pages of sketches and drafts around me on the desk, I bring the words into Pages, relying on its ability to block distractions with its full-screen capabilities. Outline mode reveals the order underlying the seeming chaos of my story, and with page layouts my words flow seamlessly around the lovingly-rendered images I include to further illuminate my texts.

A: Wow. So Pages really–

Q: My story complete, I am able to save my manuscript as a PDF, the format preferred by my publisher, and soon I know that hundreds will be enjoying my words, all around the world.

A: That’s really great. Hey, do you use the new iWork.com service to get comments on your stories?

Q: Hmph, no. Unlike you hacks, I prefer to keep my words free from the grubby paws of Internet comments, which only soil and deride my flawless texts. Indeed, I seek to keep my words out of anyone’s hands until they can be delivered as a complete, fully formed novel, ready to be cherished and put on the shelf next to the works of Tolstoy and Dumas.

A: No editors? No book doctors?

Q: Naturally not! They would only seek to change my words, to re-shape my vision to fit their base standards of “readability” or “economic feasibility”.

A: Sorry, of course. My bad.

Q: Well, you are not to be expected to know. Still! I will give you a little bit of insider information.

A: Oh?

Q: My new book, The Fountains of Frigid Fate will be on bookshelves next week.

A: Really?

Q: Well, Lulu.com will print copies for people who order it. So close enough.

A: Sounds riveting. Well, that’s all the time we have…

Q: Be sure to buy a copy! Or several!

A: I’m sure we’re all counting the moments. Which we’re out of, so–

Q: Please! Somebody buy my book! Anybody!

A: Okay, okay! We’re off to, er, buy it right now! Goodbye!

Q: Maybe Mom will buy this one…[sniff].

Today we here at CANS are happy to welcome Frasier Crane, fictional doctor and food snob onto the blog!

Many is the time that I have been preparing for a discrete little soiree in my apartment and have discovered to my horror that I have neglected to adequately explore the full range of cheeses before leaving the apartment, and must choose a cheese based only on my memory of the qualities thereof. This is quite a quandary. Do I purchase the rather nice Lingot Saint Bousquet d Orb that has only recently been made available and hope that it goes well with Bourgogne Chardonnay, or do I purchase the Pitchounet in the belief that it is a more suitable match? Naturally, this usually leads to unlikely goings-on, and more than once has resulted in my randy producer becoming amorously involved with a purveyor of wines and spirits. I’m beginning to think that she could use some therapy herself.

Thus you can imagine my delight when I discovered fromage, a small, inexpensive program for the iPhone that allows me to peruse the world’s finest in curdled milk while out shopping, and ensures that my purchase of Cendré du Beauzac will not fight with the Côtes d’Auvergne that I’ve had laid up for a few years now to truly impress he head of the Arts Council at the beginning of the 2009 season. For only three dollars I can be assured that my choices are the height of taste and sophistication. Unless my improbably-skinny brother “accidentally” erases the program and replaces it with a highly inaccurate parody thereof…

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

Continuing our iWork ’09 roundup, we take a look at the member of the family that always did so well in accounting classes: Numbers.

Q: So, I hear Apple’s makin’ a move on our territory.

A: Yeah? Well maybe they are. What’s it to ya?

Q: Listen, Cueball and PP ¹ have been runnin’ all da numbers games in this country for years, and they don’t want no new players stickin’ their noses in.²

A: Yeah? Well, some of us think ol’ Cueball ain’t got what it takes to keep a gig like this runnin’, and maybe it’s time for a few new faces around the place.

Q: Dat so, wiseguy? What’s your pansy little fruit-counting program got that we ain’t seen before?

Q’s moll: Yeah! What’s so great about havin’ all those floatin’ tables? I like my tables to stay put!

A: Hey! What’d you bring her for? You know readers think these things’re just a back-n-forth affair!

Q: Nevermind why I brought Trixie here. Trixie’s a smart gal, she knows what’s good for her, and she’s stayin’ with me, ain’t dat right, Trix?

Trixie: Yeah, sure I’m stickin’ with you. Everybody knows the bigger gang always wins, and our boys could squash ‘em flat!

Q: Sure, Trix, sure. Now button it and let me do my pursuadin’.

A: Save your breath, stooge. Your ol’ Macro games are finished, ya hear? People are tired of bein’ pushed around, told where they can and can’t put things, and they’re thinkin’ it’s time for a change. And we’re gonna give it to ‘em.

Q: People? Who cares what people want? People’ll do what Cueball tells ‘em and like it, or sumpin’ unfortunate could happen to their data, if you know what I mean.

A: Sure, I know what you mean. But we’ve given them an out, see? Anytime the boss-man comes pokin’ around askin’ to see the numbers, they just put ‘em in a little file labeled xls and the boss don’t know no different. And tryin’ to take their data? Please. They hit this button right here and that info’s out where everyone can see it, and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it.

Trixie: Wow, looks like he’s got an answer for everything.

Q: Quiet, Trix. Awright, smart guy, we’ll jus’ see how your little numbers game holds up out there. But you ain’t seen the last of me!

A: Betcha I have.

Q: How d’you figure?

A: Your dialogue is really hard to write. It’s way easier to just start going insane in these things.

Q: Bah! C’mon Trix, let’s scram. Dis guy’s givin’ me a headache.

A: Whaddya take for a headache?

Q: Sometimes I take-a da asprin, sometimes I take-a da calomel.

Groucho: Ah, I’d walk a mile for a calomel.

Chico: You mean da chocolate calomel. Dat’s good too, but you still no get it. [slams peephole door]

Groucho: [knocks again]

Chico: [Opens peephole door] Whassa madda for you, eh? I tol’ you, you canna come in here until you say swordfish! I tell you what I do, I give you one more chance.

Groucho: Hmmm…Swordfish, swordfish. I’ve got it! Is it swordfish?

Chico: Hey! You guessed da password!³

1. Pocket Protector [↩]
2. Come on, you knew I was gonna do the gangster thing. It’s good clean fun. [↩]
3. You know what they say: if you can’t think of a good way to end your blog post, steal something from the Marx Brothers. [↩]

CANS would like to wish Steve Jobs a speedy recovery and good health in the future. We’re sure that Tim Cook will do fine until you get back.

Get well soon.

As Moscone West is abandoned, the booths all closed up and sample products all re-packaged to be resold as “refurbished”¹, there’s a feeling of melancholy in the air. In part this is caused by the uncertainty surrounding Macworld Expo’s future without Apple, and in part it’s caused by Apple’s parting shot at all the Apple pundits.

Crazy Apple News Site presents:

Ponies for Pundits²

It looked too good to be true. Tucked away in a corner of Apple’s booth on the display floor was a sign that said:

Ponies for Pundits!
As a “thank you” to the faithful Apple watchdogs, rumor sites, and new media faithful,
Apple has purchased a special pony for each and every Apple pundit.
You’ve done so much for us,
Now we want to give something back.

“I wasn’t sure if I could believe it,” said Leo Laporte. “But there was a nice lady next to the sign who said, ‘Mr. Laporte, right?’ I nodded and she looked on a list on a clipboard. ‘We have you down for a nice roan stallion. Can I get you to fill out a form with a few details we need for delivery?’ Well of course I said yes. I figured that if it was some kind of joke then no harm done, but if it was real, then I would have my very own stallion that I could raise from a pony and ride around on all the time. If I’d known what was really coming, I don’t think I would have been so excited.”

And Leo wasn’t the only one. Through our excellent network of Ruby Ninja spies³ we were able to get a photo of a portion of the list. Some pony-pundit pairs (PPP’s) include:
Andy Ihnatko: Lipizzaner Stallion (Because they’re both hard to spell.)
John Gruber: Night-Black Mare (Useful for terrorizing PC users.)
David Pogue: NYC Police Horse (Faster than taking the subway!)
Douglas Adams: the ghost of a Clydesdale (Sure he’s dead, but so is the horse. And Douglas deserves something.)
John Moltz: Shetland Pony (Not sure why…)

And so forth. Not all of the pundits on the list went to claim their new pony, but many did. They were told they would receive shipment “within the week” and dozens of rumors site operators and Apple faithful wrote ebullient reviews of the moderately tepid Apple products that were released during the Expo.

Then, a few days later, a truck pulled up to the house, mansion, apartment or villa of each pundit. These trucks were matte gray with nothing but an Apple logo on the side. A driver got out of each truck and went to the door. David Pogue shares his experience:

The driver came to the door and asked if I would sign for a delivery. I said yes, of course, and signed the form. The driver then brought a box to my door, which is odd, because I wouldn’t expect a pony to come in a box. Still, this is Apple we’re talking about, and they do some pretty amazing things with packaging. The box was about three feet square, so I figured it must just be some pony supplies. The driver headed back to the truck and I figured he was going to get the actual pony. Instead he just drove away. I was confused, but I decided to take the huge box in the house and see what it contained.

I got the box open, and instead of chaps and a cowboy hat, there was a one foot tall statue. It’s a beautiful representation of a Police horse in mid-stride. I have it in my office.

Disappointed? Yeah, I was a bit. But now I see that what Apple really gave me is far better than what I was hoping for. And maybe that’s a metaphor for the new versions of iWork and iLife…”

At this point he went off on a 30-minute sermon and we tuned him out.

Other pundits, however, were not so pleased with the gift. “I…I…I wanna wanna ponnnnnyyyyyyyy!” was all we could get out of John Gruber as he thrashed and pounded on the floor and kicked his feet like a spoiled three year old. But it seems that the pony statues have hidden powers that Mr. Pogue, as a respectable New York Times journalist, didn’t discover.⁴
Nicholas Ciarelli shares his experiences:

It looks like a normal statue, until I access the internet. Somehow it’s connected to my iMac, my iPhone, and my MacBook, and whenever I try to access AppleInsider or any other rumors site, all I get is a picture of my horse statue and the words “why do you lie?” If I’m in the same room the statue’s eyes flash and it whinnies at me. That thing is seriously creepy. I’d get rid of it, except, you know, it’s an Apple product, and it’s one of a kind.

Yes, it seems that the Ponies for Pundits are not a new, primitive mode of transportation for largely over-fed new media stars. Instead, they are a wi-fi conscience, ensuring better behavior from those that would detract from Apple’s glory. ⁵

Other rumors sites operators report similar results. For a while they played with calling Apple’s CEO “The Stevefather” but it really didn’t catch on.

As for us here at CANS HQ, we quite like our pony statue, and we can with unsullied conscience continue our high-quality reporting. ⁶

1. three “re”s in one clause! [↩]
2. like the “cold start”? Cinematic effects in blog posts are a sign of fine literature. [↩]
3. they’re only twelve lines of code tall, because Ruby methods are short and agile. [↩]
4. Mr. Gruber may or may not have discovered them. It’s hard to tell, really. [↩]
5. Rumor has it that Mr. Ballmer also got a statue, but we haven’t heard what it looked like. Or what it does… [↩]
6. Note from the Androids: it’s not a pony statue. He took one of his sons’ toy horses and propped it up by his iMac. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

In honor of the latest release of iWork, we will be covering all three of the new versions in the coming weeks.

This week, Keynote ’09, the most advanced version of the most advanced slideware in the world.

Q: Look what I can do! [slide changes in a twisty motion]

A: That’s great, but what’s your question?

Q: Isn’t that awesome?

A: Yes. Not much of a quesiton…

Q: Wanna know what’s even cooler? I did that with my iPod Touch! $.99 and I’m a presentation machine, baby!

A: Hey, great, that’s just amazing. Well, thanks for playing! Bye!

Q: No, come on, look at this: I can make “Six Potatoes” into “Ox-Top Siesta”!

A: Yes, yes you can.

Q: Aaaand I can make “Not a loser” into “Aloe Snort”! How cool is this?

A: So, you’re using Keynote to make anagrams? And do a fairly inaccurate job of it?

Q: Nonononono! I’m doing so much more! I can make sparkly things! Happy things! Things a mind like yours couldn’t start to comprehend!

A: But you’ve cleverly avoided making sense.

Q: I made 99 cents! And got an awesome remote program for my iPod Touch!

A: Hey, you are listening! How nice. So, did you actually want to ask any questions, or just brag about your mad Keynote skills?

Q: No, I have a question.

A: Oh good…

Q: Wanna see my presentation on iWork.com?

A: No.

Q: Why not?

A: Is it full of anagrams? Maybe a few Magic Move effects?

Q: Maybe…

A: Some “Perspective” dissolves?

Q: It’s a good effect!

A: Yes it is. But content does count for something.

Q: Oh, I get it. You’re one of those Presentation Zen people, aren’t you? All “Don’t create you presentation in Keynote, use Keynote after you’ve designed your presentation” and crap like that. Probably only put one image on a slide-

A: That’s me.

Q:-Then you’re all, like, “If your slides take away from what you’re saying, you did it wrong”. My presentations speak for themselves, pal.

A: I’m sure they do. And I’m sure you read them, word for word, to your audience.

Q: I leave out a few words!

A: Okay. Well, have fun with your new remote control!

Q: Did-Did I win this conversation?

A: Sure, kid. Sure.

Q: Yes! I win again!

A: You’re pretty much awesome.

Many people were disappointed with the “startling” new revelations made at Macworld Expo yesterday, feeling that Phil Schiller, in addition to being forced to try to be Steve and forced to shut down Apple’s presence at Macworld, was also given a list of sub-par product announcements with which to do so, and that Apple shouldn’t be letting things slide like this.

But these people missed what was really going on.

It should have been obvious: MacHeist 3 started the same day that Macworld Keynotes effectively ended. This in itself was the first clue. If you then took every third word that Phil said during the first ten minutes of the keynote¹, then took the third letter of each of those words, you got the name of a website where you could download a program that would allow you to view the world in blue by using the iSight Camera in your laptop. Using this blue filter you could print out a copy of the text on the third forum page of comments on the Apple support site about replacing laptop batteries (see where this is going?) which would give you a link to a site that is disguised as a blog of a third grade teacher who comments that she isn’t aware of any new developments in school paste flavorings, but that she would be open to suggestions…

Look, it’s all very convoluted and MacHeisty. The point is, at the end of the trail you download an encrypted DMG file, and using the password “newBalance” you get a QuickTime movie of Steve Jobs in all his Mock Turtlenecked glory, standing on a stage in front of an empty Moscone West auditorium.

“MacHeisters, Welcome,” Steve begins, looking–for once–directly at the camera. “I know that you are wondering why I’m doing this, and why I pretty much hung Phil out to dry at the Macworld Keynote. You would no doubt like to know why I’m working with MacHeist to announce new products, instead of using more traditional channels.

“The reason for this is the rumor sites. They’ve been a little too sure of themselves for a little too long. Sure, most of them missed the new iLife thing, but let’s face it, that was small potatoes. As you watch this there’s a bunch of rumors site editors on the show floor at MacWorld, trying to act excited about yet another stupid-big MacBook Pro and some updates to iLife and iWork. Soon they’ll be heading back to their hotels, wondering how many double martinis they can charge to their expense accounts while pretending to be Tony Bennett. So they’re out of the way. Now I can tell you what Apple is really up to.”

Steve then clears his throat a little, and continues. “One: new minis: yes. The mac mini is an important part of the Mac lineup, and will move forward. Two: an Apple Tablet: yes, but not until after Snow Leopard. There is a good reason we are working on slimming down OSX and making all the technologies involved work more smoothly with less power. Three: iPhone nanos: no. Some little punk site already broke the real story on the so-called nanos, so go find that if you want to know what’s up there.

“And one more thing: a mid-size Apple Tower: Yes. The Mac Home will be a monitor-less Mac with expansion capabilities much like a Mac Pro, but aimed at advanced home users. Removing the monitor and using standard components will allow us to price the Mac Home roughly $300 lower than a comparable iMac, making the Mac Home an attractive option to PC switchers.

“Okay, now you know what’s up, agents. Your duty is to go out and loudly deride the rumors sites for missing such obvious announcements when they are made over the next few days. Oh, and solve all the other MacHeist missions that come your way. Seriously, the fate of the apple world relies on your ability to… oh, just go get some free software. Be well.”

With that the screen fades to black.

1. Three words for MH3, ten minutes for 10 years of Stevenotes [↩]