Crazy Apple News Site

News of a newer, smaller iPhone have been circulating on the web for what, days now.  So we here at CANS decided to do some undercover work to see what we could find out about our favorite trendsetting company’s plans to further revolutionize telecommunications.

Donning our best Steve Wozniak costume¹ we penetrated the outer defenses of the Apple Compound and were able to get to the inner sanctum. Well, the inner waiting room.  We made it past the secretary’s desk, anyway.

What was more surprising was that someone official actually decided to talk to us. In this case it was Scott Forestall, who is no less than SVP of iPhone software, and somewhat miffed that Schiller is speaking at Macworld instead of him.

“I mean, if Steve is gonna blow off the Mac community he should at least let me talk to the iPhone community,” Forestall whined.  “I could really connect with the people, but no, they’ll send Schiller because He’s Steve’s favorite.”

This went on for several more minutes.  After many ones of dollars and some carefully worded compliments² and sublte, indirect questions³ I was able to get him to admit the truth about the photos we’ve all seen on those disreputable rumors sites.

“No, those aren’t cheap knockoffs, like you think.  Oh, we’ve tried to play up that rumor, but really there’s no substance to it.  And they aren’t iPhone nanos, either. At least, not in the way you would think of it.

“You see, the iPhone is a triumph, a symbiosis of art and science; it’s a joining between phone, iPod and PDA.  But it’s more than that.  You can’t create something as perfect as the iPhone.  For that matter, you can’t manufacture them, either.  The truth is, iPhones are grown.”

We asked about this, being frankly stunned.  I mean, this sort of thing is plausible in Douglas Adams books, but not here in the real world, or even the internet.

“Each iPhone is grown on specially modified trees in China, where rules about genetic manipulation are less strict, and you can shoot trespassers, I mean, it’s easier to dissuade trespassers.  Anyway, the trees are normal Apple trees with some specific modifications made to their DNA, so that instead of apples they grow Apples, if you know what I mean.  And the iPhone nanos you’ve been seeing online are, well, under ripe specimens.”

“Like any fruit there are iPhones that don’t quite reach maturity before falling off the tree. They aren’t as good as fully ripe models; the interface is weaker and harder to use, the casing is flimsier, they just aren’t up to Apple’s standards. We do our best to recycle these “green” iPhones, but sometimes people sneak them off the farm before we can get to them.”

At this point the real Woz showed up and I had to get out of the building fast, but I was amazed at the sincerity in Mr. Forestall’s voice, and believe that we here at CANS have finally “scooped” the so-called “big boys” of the Apple news world, and have brought you the real truth, instead of some half-baked rumors.  I for one believe his story. After all, how likely is it that some cheap Taiwanese knock-off artist could make such exact copies of the iPhone in miniature?

1. which is identical to our best George Lucas costume, except for the Segway [↩]
2. “Scott, everyone knows you’re the hippest of Apple’s  SVP’s.” [↩]
3. “Hang on, my G1 is ringing. Man this thing is huge. Say, you aren’t planning on releasing a really small version of the iPhone are you?” [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: Yojimbo, Bare Bones’ “dump it here, worry about it later” program

Q: I thought Yojimbo was supposed to be so easy to use, there was no  learning curve.

A: Oh, it is.  Yojimbo is easy to use and pretty darn amazing.

Q: But it apparently can’t help you figure out when Friday actually is.

A: That was uncalled for.

Q: So, if Yojimbo is so easy to use, why an iFAQ?

A: You gotta check this out: Look at the second picture on this page!

Q: …An unencrypted note?

A: It’s pure genius, man! Underpants are pure genius!

Q: …

A: Isn’t that hilarious?  I bought the program just because of that picture.

Q: Really?

A: No, not really. I bought it because I kept losing serial numbers. But still, Have you ever seen such classic humor?

Q: Yeah, it’s really great.

A: I know!  And you thought Bare Bones was all stodgy, old-school grumpy mac users.

Q: I never said that.  And what are you talking about? It’s the switchers that get grumpy!

A: You thought they were content to rest on their overpriced BBEdit laurels, without thinking of what that could do the rest of the community. Bet you feel pretty silly now, doncha, Mr. Condescending Question Asker?

Q: Overpriced what?

A: Yep, Bare Bones has shown you, once again, that they have what counts when little fly-by-night startups like TextMate fall apart in the back stretch.  What’s that, TextMate? Can’t handle the jump to version 2.0?  BBEdit’s on version 9 and:

It doesn’t suck.^®

How’s that taste, you Euro-snob?  Where’s your precious Ruby on Rails now?

Q: Is there any reason for me to be involved with this conversation any more?

A:  When others are taking a nap, Bare Bones is doing the Tango of Destiny with the Future, baby!

Q: Worst. Metaphor. Ever.

A: Well, you can go crawling back to your newfangled email clients and your GTD managers. I’m gonna make a 3. Profit! with my homies at BB. Later, fool!

Q: “Tango of Destiny with the Future?”  Really?

Some rejected drafts:

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, ‘cept me, with my mouse.
The comments were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of free software danced in their heads.¹

And Moltz in his kerchief, and Pogue in his cap, had just settled their brains for a long winter’s nap

[something about Steve Jobs in a sleigh.]

No.

Santa’s iPhone:

News today of an unexpected user of the iPhone’s GPS technology has deeply disheartened the Android mob, which is a bunch of robots anyway, so what are they even doing with hearts in the first place?
“I just like how easy it is to use,” said Saint Nick, in a phone interview December 23. “I put in the kids’ names and their addresses are pulled up on the map, and I can see how close I am to them. I mean, I’m sure the G1 is nice and all, but this is where it’s at.”

Huh-uh.

Christmas in the Apple Boardroom

Steve: C’mon, Phil, what’s wrong?
Phil: I’m afraid all the zealots will be mean to me. I can never be as insanely great as you, Steve.
Steve: That’s true. But you can still think different! And your difference can never be copied by anyone else. In fact, the other directors and I have written a little song to help you out! Ready guys?
Directors: [Half-hearted mumbling, someone says, "can't I go home to my family yet?"]
Steve: Great! Hit it, Al!

Nope.

Deep in the Matrix-colored recesses of his Ballmer-Cave, the virus creator has brought forth his most devious weapon yet: a malicious Excel Macro! Unfortunately, it only works on PC’s with no antivirus running windows 98 or older. But it’s a step.

Ugh.

Okay, I got nothin’.  Whatever holiday you celebrate this time of year, even if it’s only a few days off work, I hope  you have a happy one and wish you an insanely great²  new year.

-Nate

(And the Ruby Ninja Androids)

1. coincidentally, I once tried to write a Linux version of this when I was a huge Open Source geek.  It didn’t get much farther than this. [↩]
2. I know Apple abandoned that slogan years ago. But I’ve only been a mac user for a few years and have to work off the backlog. [↩]

So, ol’ Moltz is coming out of retirement for the Macworld Keynote, is he? Okay, I’ve been around a while. I got some chops. I got… about four followers. Whatever. It’s on. Me and Moltz, man to man, whoever writes the best coverage wins.

I should probably go buy my “thanks for beating me” card now.

Hey all,
Macheist season is back again, and they’re kicking it off with the giving tree! If you don’t have a Macheist account yet, and wouldn’t mind having one, let me know and I’ll send you an invite. It gets you some free software and it gets me a little free software as well.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.
This week: Stacks, Apple’s easy way to make a pile of stuff on the dock look…well, a lot like a pile of stuff on the dock.

Q: Help! Help! Helphelphelp! Help! Help1 Hlephelf help!

A: Sir, or possibly madam, calm down! You’re starting to type like a 9-year-old!

Q: AAAAAAAAAAaauuuugghh!

A: Now you’re a comic strip person.  What do you need?

Q: I [pant pant] need [pant] Steve!

A: I’m sorry?

Q: Steve Jobs! At Macworld! He’s not!

A: Ah. I see. And you-

Q: It’s a conspiracy, you know!

A: A consp…

Q: It’s a conspiracy between Apple and the Terrorist Hedgehogs to stop the Mac goodness from staying pure and unsullied!

A: The Terrorist Hedgehogs?¹

Q: Don’t play dumb.  You know all about the nefarious underground resistance fighters.

A: Are you just spouting random lines from B Sci-fi movies?

Q: And now they’ve undermined-

A: Good metaphor!

Q: -Macworld Expo and we have nothing left to live for! You know you were all excited about the “One More Thing” that was bound to happen this year!  Now what do we have to look forward to?

A: Actually I quite like Phil Schiller…

Q: PHIL FREAKIN’ SCHILLER! We all know what he’s going to talk about. Stupid iPod games.  Again.

A: That does seem likely…

Q: What about Snow Leopard? What about a new version of Time Machine? What about an iMac refresh?  You think Schiller’s gonna talk about these things?

A: There doesn’t seem to be any real reason for me to respond to you…

Q: What about revamping the dashboard into something useful?² What about a brand new 64GB iPod Touch with a black bezel? What about a black mock turtleneck?

A: Hey now, we don’t speak in bold italics on this blog; tone that language down my friend.

Q: Now all of this has been defeated by those libertarian pro-llama red-wing defeatist pinbacks!

A: We also don’t allow, er, species-ist slurs on our blog.  I may have to ask you to leave.

Q: You would, you hedge-lover!

A: …

Q: It’s hard to find a good insult for someone who likes hedgehogs, alright?

A: I can see that.

Q: I mean, they’ve pretty much taken all the fun out of it at that point.

A: Yes.  Well, hopefully-

Q: Much like the Terrorist Hedgehogs have taken all the fun out of Macworld Expo!

A: Okay, I warned you about this already, you’re outta here, my friend.  Androids, if you please?

Q: You can’t silence the truth! I may be dragged kicking and screaming out of this iFAQ, but the truth will prevail! The hedgehogs are organized, and if we don’t act, we won’t have macs! You hedgehogs sympathizers must be stopped!

1. Would be a good name for a band.  Someone let Dave Barry know. [↩]
2. Hint: this is not possible. -ed. [↩]

Panic gripped the Mac community today as startling evidence of Apple’s loss of confidence amongst the younger crowd was evidenced.

“Nintendo is more cooler than the iPhone,” said Timmy, age 10.

“This is catastrophic, this is more than I can handle,” wailed Leo Laporte, mostly because we haven’t made up used any quotes from him in a while. “If 10-year-olds don’t like iPhones, they won’t grow up to use Mac Pros! If they don’t grow up to use Mac Pros, the only other thing they could be using is (Da da DAAAAAAAH) Windows Computers!” We weren’t previously aware that Mr. Laporte did all his own sound effects.

“Macs are lame, too,” Timmy was also reported to say. “I can’t even play lame old games like GTA 2 on my brother’s Mac.  All it can play is Spore, and that’s stupid.”

Apple has been quick to point out that they are working hard to connect with today’s youth through the use of poor grammar like “the funnest iPod ever” and that the opinion of one person doesn’t mean the whole world thinks that way, but the Mac Community had stopped listening at that point.  This is partially because nearly every Apple pundit was simultaneously offering Timmy candy if he would say he likes iPhones, but partially because this is the sort of rumor that you don’t just wait around for verification on before you start panicking.

“First Macworld gets the finger, and now Apple’s losing 10-year-olds.  Yep, looks like that ol’ Apple will be ripe for the pickin’ when Windows 7 rolls around,” said Rob Enderle, inexplicably dressed in overalls and a straw hat. “Yessir, they had a fair-to-middlin’ summer, but looks like ol’ autumn will be here soon and we all be havin’ some fresh apple sauce with our Sunday roast.”  His analogy got even more strained at this point, and frankly, we were too busy panicking to try and figure the rest of it out.

Apple may or may not have refused to comment, we aren’t sure. We were busy buying iTunes gift cards for all the 10 year olds we know, just to be on the safe side.

Steve Jobs today was forced to admit the truth: Apple is really terrible for the environment.

Based on an unknown list of criteria, yet another watchdog group has lambasted Apple for being just really, really terrible for the environment compared to such upstanding companies as Dell and Tesco, which I would know more about if I lived in England.

“You got me,” Jobs said in a private phone call to Ceres headquarters that we may or may not have wiretapped.¹ “We are actually burning down three acres of rain forest for every iPod Touch we sell.  It’s not even part of the manufacturing process or anything, we just really hate any tree that doesn’t produce Apples.” Jobs said, inciting profuse whining from the party on the other end of the line.

“Furthermore,” quoth Jobs, “all that stuff about ‘going green’, reducing our carbon footprint, making our systems more recyclable, and being open about our systems? All false.  We still use coal and steam to stamp out the new MacBook cases.  How did you ever catch us, Granola Joe?”  His tone suggested that he was not being entirely sincere at this point.

“Wght, shertgsh, hurgl… I gotta go lie down!” was all we could get from John Gruber on this topic. One assumes that he’s having another heart attack, but you can see his point.

In a surprise counter attack, we were unavailable for comment this time when Apple tried to reach us for a statement.

1. Using Wiretap pro, which we got from MacHeist II last year. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: Quicksilver.

Q: Greetings, master.  I seek the benefit of your wisdom.

A: Approach, son, and I shall impart.

Q: I just got a new Mac, and I love it.

A: Truly, you have started on the path of wisdom.

Q: Yet there’s a problem.  I don’t feel pretentious enough when I open my programs.

A: Explain, my son, and the pretense you seek may soon be granted.

Q: Well, I bought all the most self-congratulatory  Mac-only apps I can think of, like BBEdit, and TextMate, and Delicious Library…

A: You have chosen well.  In choosing two over hyped text editors and a program that shows you pictures of books you already own, you have embraced all that is most pretentious in the Mac community.

Q: …But when I open them, I have to click on the icon like some kind of 20th Century Windows user.

A: Indeed.  And you seek a way to show your Windows using friends that your Mac skills are beyond their comprehension, while at the same time demonstrating your Mac to be the key of effortless computing.

Q: Yes, master.

A: I can help you my son.  You shall achieve the pomposity you desire, but it comes at a cost.

Q: I will pay any price, if I may only show myself better than the sons of Gates.

A: The price you will pay will not be in money, for the key to your arrogance is free-as-in-free-beer, but we will speak more of the price later.  The key of which I speak is Quicksilver.

Q: Tell me more, for I crave the mastery of this mercurial software.

A: Quicksilver allows you to launch, browse, change, transform, move, edit, tweak, and inspect all parts of your system with ninja-like skill and ease, with but a few taps on the keyboard.  Indeed, a true user of Quicksilver need scarce touch the mouse again.  Yet all this power is wrapped in an interface as graceful as the fall of a lotus blossom to the face of the waiting pond.

Q: Where may I find this potent blossom?

A: Seek the black tree, and look to the roots.  Quicksilver may be found there.

Q: I shall do so master.  But you spoke of the price.  I would know what recompense I should prepare for the master of the black tree.

A: As I said before, my son, the price is not one of gold nor even of PayPal funds, but, much like the tree that must bend that it may not break, you must sacrifice your pride that you may further elevate it.

Q: What then is this terrible price?

A: Quicksilver is no longer actively developed, and you must therefore be content with software that isn’t updated every other week!

Q: Aaaaaagh!  This indeed is a price beyond compare!  How may my pride and arrogance survive in the face of such adversity?

A: That, my son, is up to you, but as you master your pride so shall you master all others.  Also, it has this cool feature that makes words show up, like, really big on the screen!

Q: Hey, sweet!

Rumors of Apple launching a new line of “retro” t-shirts have frustrated the plans of software giant Microsoft.

“Awwww, crap,” said Ray Ozzie, Microsoft’s CSA. “This isn’t going to be another iPod/Zune thing is it?  It is, isn’t it?  We’re going to lose our, er, shirts to Apple, again, because somehow they’re going to come up with some cool rainbow-apple logo shirts that make all our DOS shirts look like something you’d use to clean up after the dog.  And we were even first this time.”

The 80’s style retro tees are indeed rumored to lean strongly on the rainbow apple, as well as the “happy mac” icon and original finder icon.

“We feel that these are symbols of people’s first contact with good computers,” said David Pogue, who just likes to get in the middle of everything, whether it concerns him or not. “They’ll bring back memories of playing “Oregon Trail” with graphics, and these are memories that will help sustain people through the hard economic times ahead.  Or you could get a t-shirt with Bill Gates’ mug shot on it.  It’s up to you, really.”

“No, seriously,” said Ozzie.  “We came up with the whole ’80’s retro shirt’ thing, and we should at least get a couple of months to try to sell them before Apple comes along and craps it up for us.  Whenever we try to get anything out the door that’s even a little bit ‘trendy’ or ‘cool’, they just come along and blast us right outta the water.  This is a prime example of ‘Vista Bullying’ all over again, you know that, don’t you?”

The Linux community, ever quick to jump on the bandwagon, announced their own ’80s retro look, then had a good laugh at themselves when they remembered that Linus Torvalds didn’t create Linux until 1991, and that Tux the penguin has been pretty much the same ever since that time.

Apple has refused to confirm or deny the rumors, but they did wink at us and put on a pair of smoked-glass aviator-style shades.