Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.
This week: the Beauty from Britain: RapidWeaver!
Q: Alas! I fear me that I hast not the knowledge requisite to avail myself of yon weaver’s rapidity!
A: Fear not, fair maid, but take heart, for I am here to instruct thee in the art of speedy creation of glorious tapestries of light. Disclose thy mind unto me that I may more readily put thee at thine ease.
Q: Nay, it is not seemly impose upon so great a scholar as thine illustrious self, whining and mewling like the discourteous cat, seeking a pittance from the tables of thy wisdom. Pray expunge from thy mind the very thought of my question and let it not prey upon thee more.
A: By’r lady, tis not so! Surely, the crown of wisdom is the sharing of’t, and he that learns but turns not again to teach is as the soughing wind in the marshes of the north, where the rude blast pummels and rattles the bony trees, but brings not the life-giving rains, nor cleans the sky of tattered clouds, that the sun may be felt again.
Q: Your words do shame me, Sir Wizard, and I see that I must also learn humility, and let not my noisome and petty pride stand in the way of proper instruction. to this end then, will I ask my questions, that in the answering you may more fulsomely burnish your knowledge even as I profit thereby.
A: Ask then, and what slender learning I have acquired from my slight studies shall be thine for the asking.
Q: This then, is my question: Whilst rapidly weaving a web page dedicated to the weaving of tapestries, I find that I have need of dynamic, ever-changing data, such as can only be provided by PHP. Though I have some slight skill in the creation of PHP classes and sites, I find that, upon uploading my creations to my server, they are marred and deformed by lewd <? tags, and my code is indecently displayed as though my site were some unsavory tart.
A: If I may but inquire, dear lady, as to the nature of your web hosting service. I have hope that such knowledge would prove beneficial in putting your questions to rest.
Q: As I have been instructed in the ways of Apple Righteousness since my tender youth, I do host my pages on my Mobile Me account.
A: Alas, it is as I feared! Unhappy is the fate that has brought me to this point, that I must be the bearer of such tragic news! And yet, if we can but look beyond the vale of tears, it may be that some glimmer of light lies beyond.
Q: Pray, do not keep me thus entangled in doubt and hope, Sir Wizard! What darkness is set to befall me, and what light is it that you glimpse, albeit if from afar?
A: Mobile Me, though noble and upright as all Apple products, has not the ability to parse your PHP files, and so it thus displays your code as a costermonger his wares. While you use that service your tapestry site shall be all unraveled.
Q: Than am I the unhappiest of souls, to have my dreams thus dashed by the very ones I love, and my sites relegated to the world of the static and unflexible web of our forefathers!
A: But soft! let us speak of the light I have hitherto mentioned! It so happens that I, too, create sites for others to behold, in the hope that I may shed some small joy into their lives. Though I love and revere the Me that is Mobile, I have found that there is no stain on my honor resultant in using the hosting of another. Furthermore, I vouchsafe unto you that there is space sufficient in my servers that I may host your site; to the end that your PHP code will be properly and beautifully rendered as your bright and keen imagination has intended. Indeed, this most rapid of weavers will handle such a change with ease and grace.
Q: But this cannot be! I am undone by your generosity! Words are not equal to the thanks I seek to convey to you, Sir Wizard! Truly, thou hast saved me. Take, then, my favour, and know that with it go my undying thanks.
A: It is a trifling thing, my lady, and not worth so great and beautiful praise. I shall set up your domain name and FTP account forthwith. Your tapestries shall be displayed to the world this very day.
Sue on October 24th, 2008 at 3:59 pm says:
Friday, already? Ack!
Papascaught on October 24th, 2008 at 4:05 pm says:
whew! that was too much work
Ace Deuce on October 24th, 2008 at 5:27 pm says:
Nate, I’m going to give you an “A,” although I think you meant to write “prey upon thee” instead of “pray upon thee.”
Overall, the sneakiest ad I’ve ever seen!
Nate on October 24th, 2008 at 5:45 pm says:
Alas that my failing grammar should be thus exposed! I thank thee for thy gentle instruction and have repaired the flaw.