Crazy Apple News Site

We’re live here in, well, our office, and covering Apple’s groundbreaking event.

• Steve looks like he always does.
• He’s not dead.
• iTunes 8 will tell a “genius in the cloud” that you want to make playlists based on the music of Zamfir and give you a list of songs that will sound good in a mix with pan pipes.
• Is this the same cloud where Mobile Me lives?
• iPods!
• New Nanos! They look suspiciously like the iPod Giga!
• That’ll be announced next. You just watch.
• Here it comes.
• …Or new earbuds. That’s good too.
• And a flying rainbow.
• Of nanos.
• Wow! the new iPod touch looks just like the old iPhone! Kinda!
• Nike built in! If only I ever used that, or even wanted to!
• Iron Man! I’ll bet he has an iPhone.
• Why does John Meyer keep showing up in people’s playlists?
• Spore! Wow! that’s…something we all knew about. Phil looks good, though.
• It’s like Phil has never seen an iPod before. What’s that all about?
• It’s like he wants to, say, kiss each and every pixel on the screen.  Odd.
• If I was going to play soccer on my iTouch, it’d be Philippines vs. Finland.  Yeah!
• Why do games get all the accelerometer support?  I want a “shake and calc” spreadsheet for the iPhone!
• This is the funnest iPod ever”  Is “funnest” a word?
• Updates for money? What is Apple thinking?
• Here comes the Giga. It’s a “One more thing” type of announcement.
• No! No John Mayer! Please! NO! Oh, It’s Jack Johnson. That’s alright then.
• Jack Johnson + “Let’s Rock” = Mellow, acoustic sounds. Huh.
• At least we avoided John Mayer. I can’t stand that little rodent.
• I’d be sleeping right now, but there’s all this static.
• Aaaand another song.
• In what way is Jack Johnson “used to 20-something girls”?
• I don’t want to think about Jack’s friends watching him sing love songs to his wife. I really don’t.
• Well, that’s all folks. Until next time!

Sure, everyone’s seen the grainy picture of the what is supposed to be the new iPod Nano, but nobody seems to ask “why is that picture so grainy?”

Until Now.

We asked.  We dug. We searched. We combed the beaches, we combed our hair, we went to distant corners of our house and the Internet and came back with the truth.

The reason that picture is so grainy is because it isn’t a new iPod Nano. Come on. Who wants a new Nano? Nobody. That’s nothing new. That’s not what we should expect from the company that tells us to “Think Different.” That’s like Microsoft announcing Windows 95: The Revenge Of The DOS Shells.

That picture, my friends, is a picture of the new iPod Giga. The. Largest. iPod. Ever.

The new iPod Giga with a scale picture of Steve Jobs next to it.

As you can see in this picture, the iPod Giga is only photographable from the air, and that’s why it looks all grainy. For contrast, we superimposed a scale image of Steve Jobs next to the Giga.

“With the Giga, entire cities can experience their music in a whole new way,” says a source who requested anonymity, regardless of how hard that word is to spell. “1200 Petabytes of storage. A full-size IMAX screen. over 500 headphone jacks. A click wheel the size of a Buick. With the arrival of the Giga, no one can call iPods anti-social ever again.”

“Steve is pretty excited about the Giga project,” said another unnamed, but highly placed inside source. “The body is made from the same stuff they use to build space shuttles, and the screen–Oh, the screen!– it’s built by the IMAX people, has like, 40 gazillion pixels, and looks so good you would want to kiss each one. On the lips. I mean, I do. Want to, I mean; Steve won’t let me kiss them.  Or him.”

Neither source would give an exact cost, but both said it would be “attractively priced, if the whole city chips in”.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.

This week ends our tour of iLife with the black sheep of the family, the one who didn’t have the common decency to take the family prefix.  That’s right, I’m looking at you, GarageBand.

Q: How do I make myself sound awesome in GB?

A: In Great Britian?  I dunno, try saying something like, “Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you.”

Q: Cute.

A: Thanks!

Q: You know what I mean.

A: Alright, look, what kind of music are you trying to play?

Q: Oh, I’m thinking something that sounds like the Talking Heads meet They Might Be Giants.

A: Okay, then you’re in with a chance.  I’ll level with you: GarageBand is good for two things: Making podcasts and techno-sounding music.

Q: There’s one problem, though. I don’t know how to play any instruments.

A: Well, there’s a way around that as well.  You see, in GarageBand, your credit card is the most versatile musical instrument there is!

Q: Ummm…

A: All you have to do is march your backside down to the nearest Apple store and buy every Jam Pack there is! Then you have millions of pre-recorded loops that you can mash together and pretend you have talent.  It’s just like being a member of *NSYNC, but without the dancing!

Q: So, GarageBand will help me spend money?

A: Sure!  Oh, you could use one of the “Magic GarageBand” settings and just let your lack of talent shine in the midst of Apple’s pre-recorded talent on the other four tracks, but why force Apple’s robots to help you play terrible music when you can do that just fine on your own?

Q: Hey, pal, I play great alterna-techno-reggae…

A: I mean, terrible music should be something you do on your own, in private, and never share, lest the others all gather around and mock you.

Q: Here we go again…

A: Their disdain evident on their faces, and in every gesture.  Sure, they say they like you, but in reality they’re just looking for a new chance, a fresh opportunity to cut you down, man, and you can’t…

Q: SLAP!

A: … Thanks.

Q: One more question?

A: Sure.

Q: What should I call my band?

A: They Might be Talking Giant Heads.

Q: Awesome.