Crazy Apple News Site

So, while I was chatting with Steve Jobs on the phone after the “Let’s Rock” event he received a call from John Mayer. I don’t know if he meant to put it on three-way calling, or if he just meant to put me on hold, but this is a transcript of the call:

Phone rings

Jobs: Oh crap.  I gotta take this, Moltz. Hold on.

Dickson: Er, Dickson, actually. But Moltz is fine.

Mayer: Hey Steve.

J: Hi John.

M: I saw the keynote today.

J: Good, good.

M: You played “Gravity” as a “Genius” example. That was pretty cool.

J: Glad you liked that.

M: And some of my other songs came up as well.

J: Yep.

M: But I was surprised, there at the end, when that Hawaiian guy got up on stage.

J: Jack Johnson is a very talented artist, and…

M: I had my guitar there with me, Steve.  I was already to go.  What happened?

J: Look, John, I know this might be hard for you, but we’ve moved on.

M: Moved on? You can’t leave me, Steve! You need me! Apple needs me!

J: John, don’t make this harder than it already is. Bono didn’t get all whiny like this when we stopped making the U2 special edition iPod.

M: What about that one keynote? And that other keynote? I rocked the house!

J: You performed adequately, yes, but…

M: I mean, I can understand bringing in Randy Newman from time to time. You basically own his soul, right?

J: Well, Pixar did, which means Disney does, so basically yes, but…

M: So he’s okay; he’s fine. But Jack Johnson? Some wimpy hyper-mellow…

D: Maybe I should just go…

J: Quiet, Moltz.

D: Dickson. But Moltz is fine!

J: Whatever. Listen, John, your time has passed. You’ll still show up in cover flows or as a “favorite song” in a playlist here or there but your star has set.

M: What’s that Johnson got that I don’t got?

J: Grammar, for one.  Also, he’s personable, John. He tells jokes. He connects with the audience.

M: I can tell jokes! I can connect!

J: You look like a stuffed iguana trying to sing, John. Let’s face it. You were hot for a while because of that real world song, and that wonderland song, but…(tinny snippet of “Upside Down” starts playing) Look, John, it’s over. Goodbye. And Moltz, I told you stop calling me. (click)

D: Dickson… Oh who cares. (to self) I could never be as good as John Moltz…

M: (to self) I could never be as good as Jack Johnson…