Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.
This week ends our tour of iLife with the black sheep of the family, the one who didn’t have the common decency to take the family prefix. That’s right, I’m looking at you, GarageBand.
Q: How do I make myself sound awesome in GB?
A: In Great Britian? I dunno, try saying something like, “Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you.”
Q: Cute.
A: Thanks!
Q: You know what I mean.
A: Alright, look, what kind of music are you trying to play?
Q: Oh, I’m thinking something that sounds like the Talking Heads meet They Might Be Giants.
A: Okay, then you’re in with a chance. I’ll level with you: GarageBand is good for two things: Making podcasts and techno-sounding music.
Q: There’s one problem, though. I don’t know how to play any instruments.
A: Well, there’s a way around that as well. You see, in GarageBand, your credit card is the most versatile musical instrument there is!
Q: Ummm…
A: All you have to do is march your backside down to the nearest Apple store and buy every Jam Pack there is! Then you have millions of pre-recorded loops that you can mash together and pretend you have talent. It’s just like being a member of *NSYNC, but without the dancing!
Q: So, GarageBand will help me spend money?
A: Sure! Oh, you could use one of the “Magic GarageBand” settings and just let your lack of talent shine in the midst of Apple’s pre-recorded talent on the other four tracks, but why force Apple’s robots to help you play terrible music when you can do that just fine on your own?
Q: Hey, pal, I play great alterna-techno-reggae…
A: I mean, terrible music should be something you do on your own, in private, and never share, lest the others all gather around and mock you.
Q: Here we go again…
A: Their disdain evident on their faces, and in every gesture. Sure, they say they like you, but in reality they’re just looking for a new chance, a fresh opportunity to cut you down, man, and you can’t…
Q: SLAP!
A: … Thanks.
Q: One more question?
A: Sure.
Q: What should I call my band?
A: They Might be Talking Giant Heads.
Q: Awesome.
Sue on September 5th, 2008 at 5:47 pm says:
First, but my hearts not in it.
Ace Deuce on September 5th, 2008 at 10:49 pm says:
Second, but my heart’s on third, itching to steal home.