Crazy Apple News Site

Microsoft has launched the first wave of their $300 million+ advertising campaign set to counter the “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” ads in an unlikely form.

“How’s that game playing going, Mac freaks?” asks Steve Ballmer in a form letter sent to every “@apple.com” email address. “Oh, and Squeak? Your Open Source software sucks! I mean, check out Paint.Net! That’s some Open Source software worth using, lemme tell ya!”

Needless to say, this quixotic, Tokyo Rose style spam attack was devastating to the morale of Apple employees. “Ooooh, Stevie, them’s fightin’ words,” said Jonathan Ive, SVP of Industrial Design at Apple. “I mean, picking on our open source development? Wow, that’s hitting us where it hurts, pal. What’s next, a criticism of our favorite brand of floor wax? Please, not that!”

Peter Oppenheimer asked, “How much of your $300 million did you spend on writing this email?” Reports that Steve Jobs had to physically restrain John Gruber and Steve Wozniack¹ from “hopping on their Segways and giving Ballmer a piece of their mind” are as yet unverified.

Steve Jobs’ response was typically refined. In an email response he writes: “Wow, Ballmer. That’s quite some attack, and it hurts. It hurts almost as much as our 30% profit increase this quarter. I guess the “wow” really does “start now”, only a year after you launched Vista. Wow, indeed.”

For once, it was Microsoft who had no comment, except to remind us that they could “(expletive deleted) crush” the Crazy Apple News Site, which is entirely true.

In an unrelated side note, we here at CANS have just uninstalled Vista from Boot Camp on our iMac and installed XP instead.  It is surprisingly more stable.

1. neither of whom work at Apple but both of whom have @apple.com email addresses due to tremendous whining [↩]