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Archive for June, 2008

Friday iFAQ: Numbers

June 27th, 2008 Nate 3 comments

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple User, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

Today Wikipedia answers all your questions about Numbers: Apple’s amazing spreadsheet application.

Q: Is numbers better than Excel?

A: This disambiguation page lists articles associated with the same title. If an internal link led you here, you may wish to change the link to point directly to the intended article.

Q: I want to make a pivot-table type thing in Numbers. How do I do that?

A: A pivot table is a data summarization tool found in data visualization programs such as spreadsheets (e.g. Microsoft Excel). Among other functions, they can automatically sort, count, and total the data stored in one table or spreadsheet and create a second table displaying the summarized data.

Q: I would like to format every other column as a currency column. Is there an easy way to do that?

A: For advice on number formatting when editing Wikipedia articles, see Wikipedia: Manual of Style.

Q: For some reason, the 3D graphs in Numbers occasionally look very pixellated and jagged. How do I avoid that?

A: This article is a stub. You can help Wikipedia by expanding it.

Q: Are there any useful AppleScripts written to make Numbers more interactive with other programs?

A: This article requires authentication or verification by an expert.

Q: This isn’t the most helpful iFAQ ever, you know that?

A: All or part of this article may be confusing or unclear.

Q: Are these iFAQs useful to anyone ever?

A:This article may contain original research or unverified claims.

Q: Did you say “Unverified clams?”

A: Claims.

Q: At least I got one real answer out of you.

A: This may contain poor or irrelevant examples.

Q: You can say that again.

A: This may contain poor or irrelevant examples.

Categories: Friday iFAQ Tags:

Apple Invites Flash to Bite it.

June 25th, 2008 Nate 2 comments

With the adoption of Sproutcore, a new fancy Javascript framework, Apple has sent a message to competing “Let’s make the web look like a desktop” systems.

“Bite our already-bitten logo, open source hippie freaks!”  suggested Phil Shiller.  When reminded that both Flash and Silverlight were proprietary, he then cordially invited Adobe and Microsoft to “Bite our already-bitten logo, corporate fascist dictator punk zombie freaks!”

“We will be using Sproutcore as the basis of iPhone enabled web apps,” says Scott Forstall, SVP of iPhone software.  When asked about support for other “Rich Internet” platforms like Flash, Forstall recommended that Flash developers “stick it up their CVS repository” and “get with the future, which belongs to Sproutcore”.

Apple watchers haven’t been able to get enough of putting the word Sproutcore into their articles over and over again, to the point where it has almost eclipsed “SDK 2.0.”

When asked for a comment, Apple encouraged us to “take a flying leap.”

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

Friday iFAQ: Office Software

June 20th, 2008 Nate 5 comments

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple User, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

Today’s installment: Office-type software questions answered by “Weird Al” Yankovic.

Q: Every once in a while I need to stop making sideshows and websites about my fashionable trips to Hawaii and do some actual work.  I guess I’ll need to edit spreadsheets and documents and things.  Should I just use Microsoft Office for the Mac?

A: (to the tune of “The William Tell Overture”) Office sucks, Office sucks, Office sucks sucks sucks, Office sucks Office sucks Office sucks sucks sucks. Office sucks sucks sucks, Office sucks Office sucks Office sucks sucks sucks. SUUUUUUCKS, Office sucks sucks sucks.

Q: You know, I’ve heard good things about NeoOffice. Does it work?

A: (to the tune of Devo’s “Whip it”)

When your documents are long,
No NeoOffice!
It’ll get your styles all wrong,
It’s NeoOffice!
No macros ever work
In NeoOffice!
Keanu does his work
In Neo’s Office!

Q: Well, working with Keanu doesn’t sound like fun.  What about AbiWord?

A: (to The Presidents of The United States of America’s “Lump”)
Abi sat alone with its open source,
Shouting “Look at me” till its voice got hoarse.
Now Abi needs some new programmers,
Interface designer’s gone fully bananas1

Q: Okay, so what about iWork? It’s all Apple-y. Can I use iWork?

A: (to Queen’s “We are the Champions”)
iWork is champion, my friend, (bum bum bum!)
It’s fully cocoa, start to end.
Pages is perfect, Numbers is awesome
Keynote rocks!

  1. it rhymes if you sing it with a British accent []
Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

Study: Time Machine “Useless” to People Who Are Tired Of Waiting

June 18th, 2008 Nate 4 comments

With a slew of new products like the iPhone 3G, Mobile Me, Snow Leopard, etc. on the horizon, people are more upset than ever with the performance of Leopard’s Time Machine backup software.

“What I want from a time machine is the ability to move around freely in time,” said Jason Patrick, who we’re pretty sure is a real person. “Instead all I get is a sissy versioning backup system with an incredibly cool spacey thing going on behind it.  Who needs that?  What I want is a way to be the first one in line for my new iPhone!  Useless! ”

And Mr. Patrick is not the only one.  There is a growing feeling among the Apple community that they aren’t being given what they deserve as loyal fanatics of the world’s most advanced operating system, and that their blind faith in the company is being unscrupulously manipulated.

“I’ve been unscrupulously manipulated!” claimed Douglas Fairbanks of Fairbanks, Alaska. “When Apple tells me that they’ve created a time machine, I don’t go around asking questions and trying to know things.  I don’t want a lot of backtalk and lawyer-speak about how it can only recover files from the past.  I expect Apple to produce a full-on H.G. Wells style device for traveling willy-nilly through the time stream! How does Apple expect me to wait a full 45 days for Mobile Me? Whassat?  Yeah, I know that today’s the 18th and it comes out on the 11th, but I’ve been waiting in the past as well.”

Some feel the problem stems from the hype created when Apple CEO Steve Jobs does one of his famous keynote presentations.

“Steve Jobs creates in Apple followers an immense desire to immediately purchase the products he presents, lest they incur his wrath and are damned from the Infinite Loop forever,” says John Gruber.  “When he then tells them that they have to wait, that they must return to the mortal coil iPhone-3G-less, and with not even a Snow Leopard to comfort them, they get a bit testy. Then they get angry, then remorseful.  They reason that the fault belongs to their external backup device, and not with their almost infantile desire for immediate gratification.  Fortunately, I get preview copies of things, because I’m an incredibly successful ‘new journalist’. Yeah! How’s that taste, punks?  I write a blog and get a preview iPhone! What’d you get for your blog? A freshly baked batch of ‘you suck’ with sprinkles, that’s what!”

Merlin Mann, however, believes that Apple’s lack of future-powered Time Machines is a design feature.  “If you could simply go to when you already had things done there would be no need for “Getting Things Done”, which would nullify the need for GTD software, mantras, filing systems and ultimately lead to chaos.  Apple is aware of this and has bravely withheld their powers that humanity may survive.  But I get preview units too, so I really don’t care.”

Up to this point in time, Apple has refused to comment.  What the future holds is as yet undetermined.

Categories: Study Tags:

Firefox No Longer Hates Macs

June 17th, 2008 Nate 4 comments

Firefox 3, the latest version of Mozilla’s legendary open source browser, is the first of the ‘Fox dynasty to make peace with OSX.

For years Firefox on the Mac has been ugly, ugly like a duck covered in oil and thrown off the back of a truck into a pile of herring innards that have been sitting by the side of the road from the toxic-waste-spewing EEA violators.  But now, all is sweetness and light.   Firefox has beautiful cocoa widgets and a new theme that looks so Leopard-y that Safari is kinda jealous.

Safari, meanwhile, is promising that good things are coming “real soon now™ ”, while the ‘Fox is running around the world like a marathon runner with a jet pack.  No, two jet packs, a transporter, and, like, a freakin’ laser cannon.  Rumors of the download site being down all morning on the big day are completely untrue and were made up by Hillary Clinton to ruin Firefox’s reputation.  Firefox is awesome.

Out-positive that, Walt Mossberg.

Friday iFAQ: iPhone 3G

June 13th, 2008 Nate 2 comments

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple User, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

Today’s edition: the new iPhone 3G.

Q: I’ve heard the new iPhone can integrate its GPS feature with Google Maps. How does that work?

A: It works beautifully.

Q: I was glad to see that Apple switched from the mirror-gloss case to a more sensible black plastic.  How does the new case hold up to scratches?

A: It is exceptionally designed. Beauty and functionality, all in one package.

Q: How does the iPhone decide if it’s going to use Wi-fi or 3G wireless access for data transfers?

A: The iPhone is a miracle of high technology.  Its what-service-should-I-use software is more intelligent than most graduate students.

Q: You haven’t really answered any of my questions, you realize that?  All you’ve done is spew platitudes.

A: The iPhone does not need to stand up to the questions of a mere anonymous user.  The iPhone is intuitive, elegant, and far better than you, or anyone you know, could ever be. Do not question the iPhone 3G, embrace it.  Welcome it into your life and you will see what you have been missing in your communication device.

Q: Once again, less than helpful.  

A: As you learn to accept the iPhone, your problems and questions will fall away, and you will become part of the Apple vision.  Soon you will see the glory in paying $70 a month to own an iPhone, and only then will you see the true, transcendent beauty of the iPhone.  

Q: Now I don’t know if I should be buying an iPhone or praying to it.

A: Cast aside your belief that there is a difference.

Q: Ooooookay, creeped out now.  I’m leaving.

A: Yes, now you are creeped out, but on July 11th, you will see the true light of Apple wisdom.  Don’t fight it. Accept the iPhone and break forth into joy.

Categories: Friday iFAQ Tags:

WWDC: I Got Nothin’

June 11th, 2008 Nate 7 comments

I mean, if the best Moltz could do is a comment about people’s Steve Jobs watching, then what do you really expect from a hack like me?  WWDC conference was boring.  ”Blah blah blah, we’re changing the world, bloo de bloo, iPhones are cheaper, MobileMe blah blah blah.”  Come on! Where’s the news? Where’s the world-shaping vision, like, say, a new mobile computing API, or new OS? I just don’t have anything to say.

No, now, don’t cry honey. Daddy’s just tired, and, oh, alright, alright, dry your eyes.  I’ll pull something together, if you can stop crying.  There now, all better?  That’s my soldier!  Okay, here goes.

 

Windows ME and Mobile Me: The Untold Story

Apple’s announcement of Mobile Me on Monday was seen by many as a step towards the future, but for Mobile Me itself, it was a return to the past.

“I had to change my name,” Mobile Me told us in an interview today. “He said we had to be different, he didn’t want anything to do with me. He was the richer one, so he stayed a ME and I changed my name to iTools.”

The Me advertising family has roots in MTV’s famous “Sex me, MTV“ campaign.  So successful was this form of advertising that the 80’s, often called the MTV decade, was also known as the “Me decade”.

“I was on top of the world,” said Sex Me, now living in a seaside condo in Maui and calling himself Love Me, “The whole decade belonged to Me, and the 90’s were good, too.  My childeren were selling cars, investments, drinks, and I had high hopes for my two little guys, Windows and Mobile.  They seemed to get along well at first, but when they got a little older things got bad.

“You all know what happened to Windows.  He fell in with a hard crowd.  The things he did for them made me ashamed to be a Me.  And the things he did to his brother Mobile… well, that was just unforgivable.”

The year was 1999, and Windows ME was preparing a huge launch with his new “friends” at Microsoft.  Meanwhile, Mobile Me was working on a collection of technologies that were meant to make the internet more useful for people around the world.  His time hadn’t yet come, but soon Mobile Me would be the one on everyone’s minds.

“Windows saw Mobile as a threat to his newfound position at Microsoft, and had him sued for the use of his–our–family name,” said Love Me. “What could Mobile do?  Windows had all the Microsoft Money™ and lawyers on his side, and all Mobile had was a dream.  He changed his name.”

For years, Mobile Me — now calling himself iTools– wandered, lost and alone, until a kindly Steve Jobs saw him and offered him a job.

“iTools was in a bad way,” Jobs recounts. “He was down on his luck, had just been hurt by his closest relative, and didn’t have any faith in himself. But I, I could see his potential.”

Jobs was good to iTools, who eventually changed his name to .Mac to cut any connections to the lost, forlorn service he had been. Slowly he rebuilt himself as something better than he had been.  Then, recently, bittersweet news came.

“Windows ME had died a few years ago, driven to the edge by bad code merges and being left in the cold by Microsoft after they found XP,” sighed Love Me. “He took too many upgrades, mixed ‘em with some bootleg MP3’s and drove his device drivers off a cliff.”

Tragedy, however, cleared the way for .Mac to get his respect back.  Apple’s lawyers sought to annul the ruling that forced him to change his name in the first place.  And this Monday, .Mac was as surprised as anyone when Mr. Jobs gave him back his name.

“I can’t tell you how good it feels to be Me again,” said the newly-renamed service, smiling quietly in his Cupertino office. “There’s still some paperwork to do, but on July 11th I’ll be back to my old self again, and better than ever.  I wish… in a strange way I wish Windows ME was still here to see it.  I don’t know if I can forgive him for what he put me through, but I do miss him.”

“It’s good to see my son get his dignity back,” says Love Me.  ”He’s like a brand-new service, and, as his name says, he’s really going places.”

Categories: Breaking news Tags:

Crazy Apple News Predictions

June 9th, 2008 Nate 2 comments

In keeping with the current trend in the Apple blogging community, I present the CANS predictions for WWDC: What Would Doogie Create.  

Rumors of iPhones, new arctic cats and changes to mini Me aside, we predict that Apple is poised to take over yet another major market: the pastry industry.  Yes, the main “one other thing” presentation point will be: the Pie1.

“Steve has been working really hard on this,” says Phil Shiller. “He’s been up all night for weeks, getting the crust just right, working on the recipe for the filling, even testing various new frozen delights for Pie a la mode.  It’s called iCream now, by the way.”

Reports from the Apple campus report that beta versions of the Pie were “scrumptious, but not yet insanely scrumptious” and that Steve has been worried about getting it ready on time for WWDC, fearing that pushing back such a major announcement would hurt their stock value by as much as .001 points.

We believe that–at this time–there will not be an SDK for the Pie, and that consumers will have to enjoy only the apples that Apple sees fit to put in the pie.  At this release, the Pie will come in three varieties: Bramley, Granny Smith, and, surprisingly, Jonagold.

We have yet to verify rumors that Microsoft is working on a wireless “Zune Pie”.

 

  1. Note to Windows users: on a Mac, those question marks are Apple icons.  Sorry your fonts suck like that. []

Friday iFAQ: Terminal

June 6th, 2008 Nate 2 comments

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple User, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.
Today’s Edition: Terminal.
Editor’s note: Due to budget cuts, we have replaced our human iFAQ writer with a very small shell script. Specifically, a script that pipes all questions to Eliza, the built-in psychologist.
Q: What is the best shell to use? Bash? ZSH?

A: Does that question interest you?

Q: Um, yes. That’s why I asked it.

A: You are sure?

Q: Yes… Look, nevermind. Is pico or nano better?

A: Please go on.

Q: Okay, well, some people say that nano is better, but I’ve always liked pico.

A: When?

Q: Oh, I don’t know. Ever since my dad showed me how to use the command line when I was ten, I guess.

A: Who else in your family showed you how to use the command line when you was ten you guess?

Q: Well, Mom tried to teach me emacs… Wait! Who’s asking the questions around here?

A: Can you elaborate on that?

Q: I’m supposed to be asking the questions!

A: Does it please you to believe I’m supposed to be asking the questions?

Q: Stop that!

A: Please go on.

Q: Okay. My mom tried to each me to use emacs, be she used vim. Is it because… she didn’t love me?

A: Who else in your family didn’t love you?

Q: My dog.

A: Pets can produce complex emotional responses. Tell me more about your dog.

Q: He tried to bite my face.

A: Did you have a good relationship with your face?

Q: Umm… yes?

A: We all need love. Tell me more.

…And that’s all the time we have. The iFAQ goes on for several more days.

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Study: Mac users got over the Chuck Norris Craze faster than Windows Users

June 4th, 2008 Nate 1 comment

While the “Chuck Norris Facts” thing is generally recognized as over, new research suggests that Mac users got away from the craze earlier than Windows users.

“It is suspected that Mac users are more up to date and urbane than their windows using counterparts,” noted John Hopkins of Johns Hopkins University, adding, “So Mac users wouldn’t say something like ‘Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one’ at the end of a quote like this.”

“Oh come on!” replied Paul Therott, “Everyone still loves Chuck Norris facts. Look: I just made one up: ‘Chuck Norris can upgrade directly from Windows 95 to Vista’ See? Hilarious!” Steve Ballmer was similarly incensed. “Chuck Norris-based humor is a major cornerstone of all modern operating systems. Windows 7 won’t boot up, it’ll be roundhouse-kicked into functionality instantly.”

John Gruber, however, felt that the findings of the study “were exactly what I expected. I mean, no one is going to laugh at something like ‘ Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.’ Heh. Hee hee hee. Hmph. Hmmm. Excuse me. Nor are we impressed to hear that ‘Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice’. We’re urbane, busy, intelligent people who have to argue about what Apple is going to name 10.6.”

Others in the Mac world have taken a different tack, seeing now as a perfect time to capitalize on the Chuck Norris wave by attributing hyperbolic attributes to their favorite media icon.

“David Allen doesn’t read books, he just puts them into his inbox until they are filed under @home @read,” writes Merlin Mann, who admits that his “David Allen facts” are a long way from being T-shirt worthy.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Linux users were seen hoarding Chuck Norris references against a time when they would be funny again, as they have done with other web memes.

Apple was contacted for a comment, but all they would say is that their favorite fact is:

Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a joker, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 from UNO.

Categories: Study Tags: