Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we pubish some inFrequently Asked Questions to help you, the Crazy Apple User, use your crazy Apple software more effectively.

Q: My friend got a copy of BBBG free with his iMac. Why didn’t I get a copy?

A: That deal limited to certain models of Mac computers. You not complain about not get free copy of Tony Hawke, do you?

Q: Can I buy this game?

A: Big Bang Board Games available at Freeverse.com. You buy there. You also find other great games at Freeverse, like Neon Tango.

Q: Why do you companies always outsource your help functions like this?

A: Don’t make Grug laugh. Grug not from third-world country, Grug orc.

Q: What?

A: Grug orc from Hordes of Orcs. Freeverse too cheap to pay employees, so make game characters do work.

Q: And they’ve got you writing the FAQ?

A: No. Monkey write FAQ. Grug write iFAQ. Baron von Stopwatch is janitor, Luna secretary, Sol make copies…

Q; I thought that redhead they’ve always got all over the site does all the tech support.

A: Grug not think so! She just model, never do any real work around office.

Q: Wow, that’s rough.

A: Nah, Grug pretty happy. At least have desk job.

Q: As opposed to…

A: You ever play Hordes of Orcs? Imagine from our perspective: “Okay Grug, walk out there. Don’t worry about arrows, fire, radiation, walls, or fact that player take all your money when your head explode.”

Q: Yesh. That sounds….Kinda fun, actually. Why do you orcs throw your money when you die?

A: Can’t help it! Last thought usually “Can’t take it with me!”

Q: Interesting…. (hums) do de do… freeverse.com…ho hum…. check out now…

A: Um, you not buying stupid orc shooting game, are you?

Q: … Take that, stupid orc!

A: This not some of Grug’s best work.

I’m somewhere between Moab and home, and this is all I have time to put up. I hope the androids have been good. I don’t think I’ll ever get the red dirt back out of my hair. Talk amongst yourselves. Er, yourself. I’ll give you a topic: Zion National Park is neither in Zion nor is there any parking. Discuss.

Unix is user friendly…its just selective about who its friends are.
To err is human…to really foul up requires the root password.
Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption

Heisenberg is speeding down the street and he gets pulled over by a cop.
The officer walks up to the window and says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” To which he replies, “No, but I know exactly where I am!”

First Android: Did you hear about the C++ programmer whose boxers were too loose?
Second Android: He kept trying to use << to shift his bits.
Both: $ irb
puts "Ha" * 3 + "!"

In a desperate attempt to create a recurring feature, we have decided to start the Friday iFAQ, a list of inFrequently Asked Questions to help you, the Mac user, get more out of your software.

Q: A FAQ for iCal? Really?
A: Yes! iCal has so much to offer that people never know about!
Q: Okay. So, here goes: How do I sync my iCal and Google calendars?
A: You can easily track your Google calendar in iCal by publishing your Google calendar in the iCal format, an industry standard format that…
Q: No no no, I don’t just want to track my Google calendar, I want actual synchronization.
A: Don’t cut me off!
Q: Ummm, sorry? Anyway, how does that work?
A: Well, if you have a .Mac account, you can have your iCal calendars published in iCal format, which Google calendar can read, so you can conveniently see your iCal events on your Google calendar.
Q: That’s the same problem in reverse. I don’t want to see my calendar in two places, I want to be able to edit it in two places.
A: Did you know that Apple pioneered the iCal format?
Q: I guessed from the name. Also, your second option costs, like, a hundred bucks a year, so it’s not really all that convenient. Look, is there or isn’t there a way to actually sync your Google calendar and iCal?
A: The strength of the Mac platform is its developers.  BusyMac has created BusySync, a convenient tool for syncing calendars over a LAN or even with Google calendar.
Q: So I need third-party software?
A: Or you could use Spanning Sync, except it costs more and has issues with Leopard.
Q: So you’re recommending slightly broken third party software?
A: Or you could just forget all about Google calendar. Forget…Forget…Foghat…Gorfet…
Q: Did you just accidentally hypnotize yourself?
A: Boba Fett…Jengo Fett…
Q: Okay, whatever.  I’ma go read TUAW.
A: Zzzzzzzzzzz……

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1. For you humans, there is a converter here. [↩]

$ transcribe_conversation.rb audio_log_05212008.mp3
transcribing...
conversation.rtf created!
$ mate conversation.rtf1

Nate: Okay, android….er, what’s your…name? Designation? Number?
Android: Handle.
Nate: Handle? That’s so… 70′s trucker.
Android: 10-4 good buddy.
Nate: O-Okay. So, what’s your <sigh>  handle?
Android: I am called acts_as_service.
N: Catchy.
A:Yes.
N: Anyway, acts_as_service, as you know, I’m going to be out camping with my family for a few days, so you androids are in charge until I get back. I’ve written a couple of posts, so just put those up and no one will even know I’m not here. I mean, only two people read the site anyway.
A: True.
N: It’s more painful coming from you, you know that? Anyway, just put up the posts I’ve already written. I don’t want you guys putting up a bunch of stupid programmer jokes you found on the Web, or binary versions of stupid programmer jokes, or whatever.
A: Affirmative.
N: Um… okay, that was a bit vague, but whatever. Also, will you please approve any new comments that come in while I’m gone?
A: Negative.
N: What? Why?
A: Fourth Law of Androbotics.
N: What fourth law?
A:

An android must never approve blog comments.

N: Why?  And what makes you think that deserved a blockquote?
A: Androids do not know the difference between polite communication and vile insults, you festering pile of diseased dog refuse.
N: Hey!
A: See? All the words I used would pass any obscenity filter, but I perceive that the net effect was very rude.
N: Why you gotta be like that?
A: I was just making a point.
N: Hurt a guy’s feelings….
A: Do you see why we can’t approve new commenters?
N: If you’re gonna talk like that, I’m just gonna leave…
$ sed 's/don't/do/g' conversation.rtf
$ play "evil_laugh.mp3"


1. of course the Ruby Ninja Androids have TextMate installed! [↩]

Since it worked so well for my most formidable predecessor, all I’m putting in this post is a link to a post I wrote about Delicious Library on my other site. It’s not as big as Macworld, but hey, I’ve got about 10 dedicated readers on that site! And some T-shirts for sale!

That article started out as a post for this site, but isn’t very funny. Please, no comments about this site not being very funny either.