Sure, everyone’s seen the grainy picture of the what is supposed to be the new iPod Nano, but nobody seems to ask “why is that picture so grainy?”
Until Now.
We asked. We dug. We searched. We combed the beaches, we combed our hair, we went to distant corners of our house and the Internet and came back with the truth.
The reason that picture is so grainy is because it isn’t a new iPod Nano. Come on. Who wants a new Nano? Nobody. That’s nothing new. That’s not what we should expect from the company that tells us to “Think Different.” That’s like Microsoft announcing Windows 95: The Revenge Of The DOS Shells.
That picture, my friends, is a picture of the new iPod Giga. The. Largest. iPod. Ever.
The new iPod Giga with a scale picture of Steve Jobs next to it.
As you can see in this picture, the iPod Giga is only photographable from the air, and that’s why it looks all grainy. For contrast, we superimposed a scale image of Steve Jobs next to the Giga.
“With the Giga, entire cities can experience their music in a whole new way,” says a source who requested anonymity, regardless of how hard that word is to spell. “1200 Petabytes of storage. A full-size IMAX screen. over 500 headphone jacks. A click wheel the size of a Buick. With the arrival of the Giga, no one can call iPods anti-social ever again.”
“Steve is pretty excited about the Giga project,” said another unnamed, but highly placed inside source. “The body is made from the same stuff they use to build space shuttles, and the screen–Oh, the screen!– it’s built by the IMAX people, has like, 40 gazillion pixels, and looks so good you would want to kiss each one. On the lips. I mean, I do. Want to, I mean; Steve won’t let me kiss them. Or him.”
Neither source would give an exact cost, but both said it would be “attractively priced, if the whole city chips in”.
Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.
This week ends our tour of iLife with the black sheep of the family, the one who didn’t have the common decency to take the family prefix. That’s right, I’m looking at you, GarageBand.
Q: How do I make myself sound awesome in GB?
A: In Great Britian? I dunno, try saying something like, “Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you.”
Q: Cute.
A: Thanks!
Q: You know what I mean.
A: Alright, look, what kind of music are you trying to play?
Q: Oh, I’m thinking something that sounds like the Talking Heads meet They Might Be Giants.
A: Okay, then you’re in with a chance. I’ll level with you: GarageBand is good for two things: Making podcasts and techno-sounding music.
Q: There’s one problem, though. I don’t know how to play any instruments.
A: Well, there’s a way around that as well. You see, in GarageBand, your credit card is the most versatile musical instrument there is!
Q: Ummm…
A: All you have to do is march your backside down to the nearest Apple store and buy every Jam Pack there is! Then you have millions of pre-recorded loops that you can mash together and pretend you have talent. It’s just like being a member of *NSYNC, but without the dancing!
Q: So, GarageBand will help me spend money?
A: Sure! Oh, you could use one of the “Magic GarageBand” settings and just let your lack of talent shine in the midst of Apple’s pre-recorded talent on the other four tracks, but why force Apple’s robots to help you play terrible music when you can do that just fine on your own?
Q: Hey, pal, I play great alterna-techno-reggae…
A: I mean, terrible music should be something you do on your own, in private, and never share, lest the others all gather around and mock you.
Q: Here we go again…
A: Their disdain evident on their faces, and in every gesture. Sure, they say they like you, but in reality they’re just looking for a new chance, a fresh opportunity to cut you down, man, and you can’t…
Q: SLAP!
A: … Thanks.
Q: One more question?
A: Sure.
Q: What should I call my band?
A: They Might be Talking Giant Heads.
Q: Awesome.
Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.
In an effort to stop worrying about what we’re going to write each
week, we have declared August iLife Month. Every Friday this month we
will be writing about a member of Apple’s creativity suite.
This Week: that greatest of all “jukebox” programs, a great app and a close personal friend, please give a warm, Crazy Apple News Site round of applause to: iTunes!(( Yes, iTunes is technically part of iLife. Even though it’s a free download and runs on Windows.))
Q: How can I copy music off of my friend’s iPod into my iTunes library?
A: Erm, I don’t think I should be telling you how to do things that are against your agreement with Apple.
Q: Jerk.
A: Boogerhead.
Q: Dorkface.
A: …But enough of this witty repartee. Do you have any legal questions about iTunes?
Q: Fine. Okay, here’s one for you. In Windows Media Player I can just drag songs I want to listen to into the “Now Playing” bar and they queue up and play in order. Why can’t I do something like that in iTunes?
A: You can add them to the party shuffle playlist and they will be played in the order you supply.
Q: Yes, and after the sweet, haunting strains of Moonlight Sonata fade quietly into the darkness and you are considering the majesty of creation and Man’s place in it you suddenly get “Baby Got Back”, because Party Shuffle is about as intelligent and sensitive as a dragon in a store that sells wedding dresses.
A: Why do you even have “Baby Got Back” in your iTunes library?
Q: What? That’s not the point. And you completely ignored my witty allegory.
A: It was a simile. What else do you have in there? “Bust a Move”, by Young MC? Maybe some Kriss Kross? How about Marky Mark’s #1 Jam “Good Vibrations”?
Q: What’s wrong with you?
A: I’m just trying to figure out why you are still listening to novelty rap from the early-to-mid nineties.
Q: Look, I don’t have all of M.C. Hammer’s albums tucked away in my iPod, alright? It was just an example, and you are still totally ignoring my question…
A: I’ll bet you do have a complete M.C. Hammer collection! I’ll bet you even have the oft-overlooked, but actually quite excellent “Let’s Get it Started” album!
Q: …And you are the one that seems to know all about the novelty rap songs. How’s that C+C Music Factory tape holding up after all these years? Thought about making the jump to CD any time soon?
A: Oh, I bought that one on CD back– hey!
Q: Thought so.
A: Whatever. Jus’ shut up.
Q: Well, I’m not getting any useful answers out of you when you’re in this mood, so I’ll leave you to your VHS copies of Yo! MTV Raps!.
A: At least I don’t make playlists with “Moonlight Sonata” and “Baby Got Back” in them. Say “hi” to the New Kids on the Block for me. Geek.
Q: Poser.
A: Nerd….
(They continue as we fade to silence)
We thought this new theme was a bit more Appley. You know, more Leopardy, less Linuxy. More iTunesish, less Amarokesque. Also, you may notice a newish buttony thing down on the right hand side…
Microsoft feels that the best way to counteract the market’s move towards Apple products is to hire Jerry Seinfeld to appear with Bill Gates in an attempt to get people to take Vista seriously.
Well, this makes perfect sense to us here at CANS. I mean, look at how much Apple’s stock has gone up in the last few months since CANS went live! Clearly, there is a link between the number of people who make jokes about a computing platform and how popular it is.
The great thing is that we all know this is only the beginning. If this Seinfeld thing works at all, they’ll buy up every comedian they can get, and I for one can’t wait. Personally, I’m hoping that Carrot Top is the next one tapped to hawk Mr. Ballmer’s wares. I feel his painful, grating voice and irritatingly over-the-top appearance would make him the truest face of Windows Vista. The fact that he seems to be putting on insane amounts of muscle–presumably to get people to stop making fun of him–only adds to the appeal. But until that’s official, why don’t we all guess about it for a while. Make this a more interactive post for once. Why don’t you all talk about it? Who do you think Microsoft should hire to try to make Apple look less attractive?
Talk amongst yourselves.
Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.
In an effort to stop worrying about what we’re going to write each
week, we have declared August iLife Month. Every Friday this month we
will be writing about a member of Apple’s creativity suite.
This Week: iDVD
Q: Ummm…. I really can’t think of any questions about iDVD. I mean, it’s pretty straightforward, isn’t it?
A: Is it? Maybe there are more questions than you thought.
Q: No, not really. I mean, you do all the hard work in iMovie, so when you export it into iDVD all you really have to do is choose a menu style and you’re golden.
A: That may be true. Or perhaps… perhaps your limited mind isn’t ready for the awesome power that is iDVD.
Q: Hmmm… Nope, nope, I just read the iDVD help file. I don’t see any “awesome power” section. Just different ways to set up menus.
A: Perhaps you are asking the wrong sort of question to fully unlock the grandeur of iDVD.
Q: I think I would need to unlock the grammar of that sentence first.
A: That’s the pot calling the kettle stupid . But go. I see you are not yet ready. You do not have the thirst for knowledge, for ultimate DVD-authoring power, that marks one of the truly prepared users of iDVD: Master of Secrets.
Q: Whoa whoa whoa, no fair giving programs subtitles all willy-nilly. Besides, “iDVD: Master of Secrets“? Sounds like some kind of stupid B science fiction sequel.
A: Those who mock iDVD are not ready for its secrets. I will answer no more questions today. Farewell.
Q: Well, actually I did have one question…
A: Really? Okay! I’ll answer it! What’s your question? Tell me tell me!
Q: Gotcha! I don’t actually have a question about iDVD: The Most Straightforward Program. I just wanted to see how long you could hold out not answering a question.
A: Ahem. Yes, begone with you! No longer may you insult the oracle of iDVD’s power. I shall return now to… oh whatever. I’m going home. Jerk.
Since the launch of the new Mobile Me platform Apple has extended all users’ accounts by at least 90 days, as an apology for the flawed and awkward rollout process. But that just isn’t enough for Steve Jobs, who in a recent meeting decided that the executive board of Apple need to take this “to the next level” and personally apologize to each and every Mobile Me subscriber by bringing them a plate of cookies.
“Starting this Friday, the entire executive team will be out delivering cookies to those whom we have inconvenienced through this Mobile Me launch process,” states an internal memo that was leaked to CANS early this morning. Our inside source says that Jobs “feels deeply” for all the people who have “had to live without being able to push their calendars to their iPhones and their MacBooks in the same minute” and would like to make it up to them.
This move has been well received by the pundit community. “It’ll be nice to see Steve Jobs again,” says Merlin Mann, “I mean, I see him all the time already, ’cause he’s always hanging out at my house. But, you know, he’s been busy lately and hasn’t had time to drop by for a while. But we’re totally friends. I’m serious.”
Meanwhile the various Apple execs are working on their individual door approaches. From Jobs’ typically restrained “We’re sorry that we failed you, here’s some insanely great cookies” to Phil Shiller’s “these cookies are a financially insignificant way to let you know that we care for you personally,” the entire board is working on letting people know that Apple values them and feels their pain.
Details have not surfaced about the size or quantity of the cookies to be distributed, but some blurry photos that could be from the Apple Kitchen reveal the cookies to be Oatmeal Raisin.
Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.
In an effort to stop worrying about what we’re going to write each
week, we have declared August iLife Month. Every Friday this month we
will be writing about a member of Apple’s creativity suite.
We continue this week with iMovie: the program that makes you look like George Lucas .
Q: I would like to add a transition between two scenes of movie I’m creating.
A: Okay, that’s easy. All you have to do is–
Q: D’ya wanna know what it’s about?
A: NO! No, no, no, nonono, no, huh-uh, nope, no, um… not right now, no. Thank you though! Let’s just show you how to do transitions. What you do is select the scene that you want the transition to come after and–
Q: It’s a space pirate ninja elf romance.
A: Aaaaiiegh! I said I didn’t want to know what it was about! What’s your title, “Overused Internet Trope Story”? Wait, no, forget I asked I don’t want–
Q: It’s called “I CAN HAS ASTEROIDZ??? I HAS A BUKKIT!”
A: Oh merciful heavens…
Q: The hero is kinda this fox guy, like in that old video game? Anyway, he’s got a first officer who’s a cat girl named–
A: You mixed StarFox and Furries into your sick little production?
Q: Ummmm… yes? So anyway, they meet this ninja space bat named Gwylindor, and he’s got a ninja master who–
A: Nope, nope, nope. Not listening. Go. Just go. You don’t want iMovie, you want Windows Movie Maker. Now get out.
Q: …A ninja master who is a half-elf half-
A: I don’t want to know. Come on, up you get. I’m sure if you leave now you won’t get caught in traffic. Bye now!
Q: Anyway, I want to share it online with all my friends that helped make it last month after renfest, but…
A: Oh, hey, weren’t you just leaving? Okay, well, see you later then! Here, I’ll get your hat.
Q: …So I want to share it online, but, um, I don’t have a Mobile Me account! I’ll bet that gets you angry!
A: Thank the stars. Mobile Me has had enough troubles without your little geekfest. Come back when you’re making movies about your stylish road trip to Vancouver. Then we’ll talk.
Q: I took a trip to Lindon the other day. Does that count?
A: Bye now!
Ladies and gentlemen, we are just as pleased as punch to bring you our first ever Guest Editorial, and boy do we have a great one to start out with. Yes, today we are proud to publish wit and wisdom from beyond the grave. We present the undead father of Open Source, a great man and now a great zombie, please put your keyboards together for Zombie Richard M. Stallman!
BRAAAAINS! BRAAAAAAINSSSS! Hahaha, sorry, little zombie joke there.
Thank you, Mr. Dickson, for that lovely introduction. By the way, “Zombie Richard M. Stallman” is my mundane name, you all can call me ZRMS. Yes, I return from an untimely death, pushed upon me by that cowardly Raymond and separatist Torvalds to let the people of the world of the living know what I think about your software development strategies. The advantage of death is that it unclouds your vision and frees your thinking. Suddenly I understand the appeal of Java to developers and, while I don’t agree with it, I see why so many users use Windows. But most of all I have come to love what I thought I would always hate: your little “Mac” computers.
I always thought that Macs were just toys for the closed-source bourgeoisie, playthings for the rich and unenlightened. But suddenly CARS is funny, and now I see the beauty, the symmetry of using a closed source mach system on top of the stable, reliable, open source Unix foundation. I see the elegance of two licenses for each piece of software, the beauty of not knowing when your next update will be coming out. I also see all people as basically walking delicatessens, but again, that’s a zombie thing.
So does that mean that I, the reanimated corpus of RMS, have started using an iMac to do all my otherworldly programming and checking my email? No. I use the real æthernet, a network the likes of which you mortals cannot comprehend, to transmit my thoughts as data structures directly to those that need them. It’s like wireless, but far, far spookier and cooler. Also we get, like, 9800GBps transfer rates, so my BitTorrent ratio has gone up quite a bit.
Sorry, wandered a bit from my point there. My point is that there is so much more to worry about in life other than how “open” your license is, how much you can do to absolutely mod your OS to your exact tastes, and that all the time we spent being rabid about the Firefox logo not being 100% free seems kinda silly now. I mean, eventually you have to use that computer for something, right? Sure Gentoo kicks Windows all round the block in terms of speed and stabilizability, and sure freedom of computers is important, and someone needs to keep Microsoft in check, but there does come a point where enough is sufficient, and you just need to stop recompiling your kernel and write that thesis paper you’ve been avoiding all semester.
I don’t know why I didn’t think this way when I was alive. Chemicals, probably. When you’re alive you have all this adrenalin, testosterone, endorphins, and all that other chemical muck swilling around inside of you, screwing up your thinking and making you want to hit things all day long. Or something. Ever since I was brought back to this plane by that itinerant Voodoo priest my memories of my past life are somewhat confused. I mean, I know that I didn’t like someone called Bill Gates, and every once in a while I suddenly remember being really happy writing code to be compatible with the 80386 processor, but I don’t really remember why I did like 80386’s and didn’t like Gates.
Guess what I use computers for now. Go on, guess. I use them to tell really awesome zombie jokes. Wanna hear some? C’mon, be a sport. No? Fine. Be that way. I’ma go eat Steve Ballmer’s brain. I could use a light snack.
HA! Sneaked a zombie joke right past you! ZING!
No, okay, I was being serious. I’m hungry. Later, fruit lovers.
Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.
In an effort to stop worrying about what we’re going to write each week, we have declared August iLife Month. Every Friday this month we will be writing about a member of Apple’s creativity suite.
This week: iPhoto
Q: Why should I use iPhoto?
A: iPhoto allows you to store and sort all your photos in style, keeping your memories tightly and rigidly organized, with no chance of one spilling over into another.
Q: That sounds draconian!
A: You bet!
Q: What if I want to store one photo in two different events?
A: No, you can’t. But you can create albums to organize your photos from different events, and with your Mobile Me account–
Q: I don’t have a Mobile Me…
A: YES YOU DO HAVE A MOBILE ME ACCOUNT! ALL APPLE USERS MUST HAVE MOBILE ME ACCOUNTS! HOW CAN YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT MOSTLY-WORKING-NOW SYNC AND PUSH EMAIL?
Q: AAAGH! “Sync and push email?” That just doesn’t sound good. Also, we did this joke last week.
A: Sorry, I forgot. I don’t read iFAQ’s. Anyway, if you did have a Mobile Me account, you would be able to share your pictures on the web in Mobile Me galleries, to which other people would be able to add their pictures, and all your families and friends would have a nice gallery full of shared images.
Q: Hey that would be great! and for only $99 a year!
A: Yeah!
Q: Hey, I have another question: I heard that you can print books from iPhoto. How does that work?
A: It couldn’t be simpler! just open iPhoto, choose the “book” option at the bottom, and put images into the placeholders on the virtual book pages in front of you. When you’re done, click “order book” and Apple will print your book to your specifications and send it to you, or to whomever you wish.
Q: Hey, that’s great! Now I finally have an easy way to publish that book of pictures I took of my own armpit!
A:That’s…great…?
Q: Yeah, I have all these pictures I took over time, so I have pictures of my armpit as a kid, as a teenager, that one time when I got that bad rash, that other time when I got a worse rash, the time I… well, why am I telling you all this when I can just show you! Here, look!
A: Oh my… I’m gonna… *erp*
Q: Yeah, that’s a good one! Hey, I can make a full hardcover, with dust jacket!
A: Why would you want an armpit book?
Q: Oh, it’s not for me! I’d send it to my friends for Christmas! Gosh, thanks Apple!
A: We’re so glad that Apple products allow you to… share… your… look, Apple has a reputation to maintain. We want people to think all Apple users are surfers or snowboarders. Please don’t make an armpit book using iPhoto! That’s what places like Lulu.com are for.
Q: …And I’m done! Okay, it’s off to the printers! Wow, these Apple programs are great! So classy and refined. And thank you for your help, iFAQ writer person! I’m so grateful, I’m sending you a copy too!
A: I can hardly wait.
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